Promise

Obviously, it's been a bit rough around here lately. We're all about putting one foot in front of the other and picking up the pieces, but it doesn't mean that we aren't grieving. We do plenty of that, too.

This weekend we took a quick trip to the Cities and stayed downtown. I was a bit mopey on Saturday morning thinking about how painful and sad it was to have to go thorough this AGAIN, I really thought that this pregnancy was "meant to be". Jamie responded to my mopeyness with, "Heather, there will be a frickin' happy ending to our story, I know there will be."

Today I was having a rough spell again. During spin class I kept thinking about how sad it was that we were thrilled to be on the adoption route, got surprised with a pregnancy (!!!), only to be let down yet again. I thought about it more in the shower at the Y and cried and cried and cried. (And, yes, I sucked it up and got ready tear free just like any other morning at the Y.) Jamie called to talk about our evening plans and I mentioned that I was having a tough day. His response, "Heather, I promise that we will have another baby, maybe two."

My husband keeps promises. So, I believe him.

If I was Normal

I'd be thinking I was one of the lucky ones that was getting thorough my first trimester without morning sickness. I'd be journaling in my new, crisp pregnancy journal. I'd be crossing off another day on the calendar, smiling because in 4 weeks I'd be sharing my pregnancy news with others.

But, I'm not "normal". I'm infertile. So, instead, I get prime treatment at the doctor's office. And, because I get prime treatment I found out early on that there was little hope for our baby. I know that my lack of nausea isn't good fortune, it's because my baby isn't growing. I journal in a book with lots of blank lines....not fun facts about how much my baby has grown in the last few days. I don't cross days off on my calendar, because, for now, I don't have anything to count down for. But someday, someday I will have a countdown to something really good, really special, our baby story. Someday.

I wish I was normal.

That would be happy!

The three of us went out to dinner tonight. Griffin looked at me, with ketsup all over around his mouth, and said, "Mommy, right now there are 3 of us and if we have a baby there will be 4 of us."
Me: "Yes, Griffin, there would be 4 of us."
Griffin: "That would be happy!"
Me, in my mind: "Oh yes, that would be very happy. The happiest thing I can ever imagine."
I smiled at Jamie and said, "Yes, Griffin that would be happy."

4 of us. Someday there will be 4...of us.

Giving God a Little Credit

It seems like I've heard it all through our infertility struggles, and mostly losses.

"God only give you what you can handle."
"Maybe you aren't meant for more."
"God must be trying to tell you something."
"God has a different plan for you."

I am sure people are just trying to give me comfort. But, really, these statements get me more worked up than anything.

Only giving me what I can handle? Really, really? God knows that I will somehow manage to get through our pregnancy losses so He keeps giving them to me? Sorry, I choose to believe that God isn't a jerk. I was reading a magazine at my mother-in-law's home the other day and found a saying on a great sign, "God doesn't give us what we can handle, God helps us handle what we are given." Yes, and thank you. This is how I choose to think, for if thought the other way I'm certain I would be angry and bitter all of the time. Not just some of the time.

Aren't meant for more? Oh, and how many kids do you have? 2? 3? So, God thinks you were meant for more, but not us? Please explain. PLENTY of people in this world have multiple children and don't take care of them....even abuse them. So to hear that I wasn't "meant" for more is tough, very tough.

Telling me something? OK, I agree, I wonder if He's telling me that I can't carry another baby. But, then why do I want to have another one so badly? We were happily on the road to adoption, we felt firm and confident in our decision, then we find out we were pregnant, only to have it lead to another loss. If He was trying to tell me something, I already heard the message, remember? We applied for adoption, didn't sign up for another IVF and got pregnant anyway. So, then I start to wonder, did He want me to get pregnant so that I could remember the joy of pregnancy and that we should, indeed, try again someday? See, this one could spin either way. It's really mind boggling if you try to figure it out. So, I'm not.

A different plan. Plan. What plan? We threw plans out the door a long, long time ago. You know those people that plan a pregnancy so they are due at a certain time....yeah, those people? We aren't them. We have no plan. We have hope. Hope that our family will get bigger and that we'll have to stay up all hours of the night rocking a baby. Hope that Griffin can be a big brother. Hope that we can watch another miracle unfold before our very eyes.

So, people, let's give God a little credit. He's helping us to handle the tough road that we've been on. He's hurting right along with us.

Empty Arms

Tears started falling when I read the first two words of this video, and they didn't stop. I feel so understood.

Empty Arms