Sunday, June 24, 2012

Update...Calling all Prayer Warriors!

About a week and a half ago our social worker let us know that the expecting mother we have been meeting with is reconsidering adoption.

This week we received another call from our social worker, an expecting couple would like to meet with us!  They are currently considering FIVE families, so we are being very realistic about it (yet still very excited and hopeful).  It's wonderful to have some new found hope, and it's very encouraging to have been picked out of the profile book.  

We could certainly use your prayers going into this meeting next week.  

Sunday, June 10, 2012

5 Years!

Check out our family blog for Griffin's 5 year old photos, I love that little guy's personality!  A special thanks to my good friend, Mandi, from Amanda Rae Photography for taking them!

It's Time

After our miscarriages I was in no condition, mentally or physically, to get poked and prodded again.  But, now it's time.  We've recently visited with two women that found the answers they needed to have closure, to understand why their babies didn't survive.  Those answers found them through clinics in Chicago.  I've always wanted to know, but just wasn't ready to take the steps.  I'm ready now.  So, over the next several months, we hope to get some answers.  Not to try to have another baby biologically, but for peace.  It's all part of the process for me, so that someday I can sit in the rocking chair and the nursing home and have peace.  (And hopefully lots of great grandchildren visiting me with boxes of chocolate in hand.)

Other's Feedback, Comments & Thoughts

You guys will get picked right away!  You are such a great family!

Wow--I saw the interview on WCCO, your family is terrific.  You'll have so many opportunities to adopt!

How many leads did you get from the WCCO interview?

The encouragement is great, but it's hard, too.  See, we DIDN'T get picked "right away"....yes, I think we're a great family, but so are the other 59 waiting families!  And, the expecting mothers need to choose the family that is the right fit for them and their baby.  We can't be that for everyone, and the one that we are right for is still out there.

As for leads from the interview, that's not why we did it.  We realize that it could have lead us to opportunities, but it didn't.  Let's get realistic here....this is tough stuff, tough decisions, people's lives, emotions, many, many factors. There are not expecting women flooding the streets choosing adoption.

The reality is that I know some really great people that have waiting nearly two years to "get picked".  It's painful, frustrating and disappointing.  But, it's true.

Reality isn't always easy.  

As one adoptive mother told me, the only way you won't be a parent again is if you give up.  So, we can't give up.  But, we can keep our faith and hope alive, make the best life we can and enjoy the many, many good things we have been blessed with.

The Race

Yesterday Griffin wanted to go to Nonna and Poppa's cabin the minute we woke up.  We told him that he'd have to wait because I needed to get a run in first.  He wanted to know why, and I told him so that I needed to practice so that I would be ready for my race.  Then he asked if I was going to win the race.  I chuckled, no I wasn't going to win the race.  He asked me if I was going to be sad.  No, I wasn't going to be sad, I didn't think I'd win the race, I just want to finish the race.  Kinda like our struggle to grow our family.  I don't care about "winning", I just want to finish.  Then he asked, "What if you do win the race?"  I told him the truth, I KNOW I won't win, and that's OK.

I'm running the race for myself, it's on my heart.

One thing is for sure, I'll be a happy gal when I cross that finish line.  And, I'll take the blisters, sore muscles and exhaustion that comes with it.

Support Group

In January of 2010 I couldn't take it anymore, I needed to talk to other people like me.  Infertile people.  I needed to know my feelings weren't crazy, I wanted to be validated.  I joined a Resolve support group and it's been good for me.  I've met great women battling what I've been battling for years.  Most of them have been battling for years, too.

I attended the meeting last week, and it dawned on me that everyone that I started the group with has "resolved" their infertility in one way or another: adoption, birth or getting their arms around the idea that more children aren't in their future.  But not me, I'm still there.  Chugging along.  I'm suppose I'm making progress, it just doesn't feel like it.

I started reflecting on the money (close to $45,000), the time (over 3.5 years), the miscarriages (4), the failed IUIs (5), the months on infertility medication (12), the months waiting in the book (7), the tears (countless).  Still no resolution.  It made me sad.  I'm kinda "the last one standing."  Then I remembered the wonderful women I met that are happily holding their babies.  I am so grateful for that.  Someday I will get to join them (at least I keep telling myself that).

It's shocking.  I would have never guessed I'd still be going to meetings, unresolved.  I was SO positive that each next step was going to work.  I never would have guessed that I'd be the last one of the group standing.  But, here I am hoping that soon my only reason to attend meetings will be to support other women like me and tell them not to give up.  I've fought harder than I thought I could, experienced more disappointment than I thought I could endure, but I'm OK.  Truly OK.

Leaving Las Vegas

Our last stop prior to leaving Las Vegas was PF Chang's.  Lettuce wraps and Asian pear mojitos, need I say more?  Here was my fortune:
Bring it on!!

A Little Hope Along the Way

We were recently at a wedding and struck up a conversation with the couple, complete strangers, sitting next to us.  They had the college aged son with them.  We chatted a bit and it came up that we were a waiting adoptive family.  I'm not really surprised that it came up since I usually fit it into every conversation I can.  You just never know.  Anyway, that nice college aged son they had with him, they adopted him.  Through LSS.  How do you like them apples!?

100 Griffins

Griffin is pretty much obsessed with TV, which is pretty much hilarious based on the amount of TV Jamie and I watch...very little.  I asked him one day if he could have anything, what would he have.  He responded with 100 TVs.  I asked him what he thinks I'd have if I could have anything I wanted.  He responded with 100 Griffins.

If only he knew.

Fed Up and a Sign

On Friday I was simply fed up.  Too much to do, too much waiting, and where the heck was the baby that was supposed to miraculously join our family??  Where???  I was crabby.  

I think Jamie was getting a little fed up, too (probably due to me talking about me being fed up).  He told me that he prayed that we'd get more information and closure on Friday.  

I had calmed down by the end of the day, and was happily picking Griffin up from daycare early.  We were heading to the library, then to the new ice cream parlor in town.  A little Mommy-Griffin date.  

I took the turn to daycare and was shocked at what I saw.  A mommy dear and her sweet little spotted fawn crossing the road.  I had never seen a deer in Mary's neighborhood.  

This may sound weird, but deer have been a bit of a "sign" for me.  Years ago, before Griffin was conceived, I was frustrated with my inability to get pregnant.  I was on the way home from Bible study and begged God to give me a sign if I'd ever get to be a mom.  Within a minute, a deer and her fawn crossed the road.  Griffin was born about 10 months later.  

During my second pregnancy, I noticed that near the same spot was a fawn on the side of the road, dead.  I miscarried soon after.

When I was doing IVF I was driving home from a movie with friends and saw a field FULL of deer...Maybe 15?  16?  17?  I went in for an ultrasound and had a crazy amount of eggs....15+!

Of course there was the time that I saw the deer with her twin fawns and I still haven't seen my twins show up!  :)

Anyway, I thought that God was giving me a sign that there would be another baby in our future.  And, for those of you that think I am reaching for anything at this point, well, maybe I am.  But, if it keeps me going, sane and positive, I'll hold on to it! 

Dark Nights

Starting the night before Griffin's 5th birthday party, and lasting for about a week, I kept waking up in the middle of the night.  Sleepless.  I used to hate the sleepless nights, then I did a Bible study on Esther and found that my sleepless nights (and I've had lots during our battle with infertility) were best spent with God.  So, I prayed and thought in the middle of the night.  I thought about Griffin turning 5, and maybe that we were brought down this road to know that we did everything we could, but that we weren't going to be able to have more children.  Maybe we were done.  Maybe we weren't meant to be parents of multiple children.  The thought is crippling to me, but I feel like I need to get my arms around it.  It might be true.  As much as I don't want to believe it, we really might not get the chance to have another baby.  My doctor may have been right when we went to see him three years ago because we were concerned about our inability to conceive.  Maybe we had our one golden egg and that's it.  Our golden egg, Griffin.  I thought our doctor was nuts, now I think he was being realistic.

I laid awake night after night thinking about the should have, could have would have.  Should we have tried a third round of IVF?  Should we have explored other adoption agencies?  Should we have gone to Chicago for further testing.  Should, should should we have?  Like it's over.  But, it's not.  See we can still do these things, it's up to us.  But, it's scary.  Very scary.  What is going to work, cause us the least amount of grief, and allow us to bring another blessing to our lives.

Then, the sleepless nights subsided, which is good because it was turning me into a wreck.  I was groggy all day, doing my best to be my best, but I wasn't.  I was falling apart all over again.

When I was up one night, I thought I should blog about these dark, over pensive nights.  And, i'd call the post "Dark Nights".

We went to Church this morning and a guest did the sermon.  She talked about a camping trip.  A cold, wet, mosquito filled,week long camping trip with a sleepless, dark night that seemed to drag on forever.  Then a wet day with no warm showers and only peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to hot, delicious food.  Those days were tough, but at the end of the week they knew they would have hot showers and hot delicious food.  Things would be great again.  Just like life.  We have the tough, dark nights.  Boring food, too many bugs, lack of fun, no warm comfortable showers.  Then when we get those things wonderful comforts back, we appreciate them much more.  We are better people for enduring the cold, dark nights.

Then she said a word that I never heard during a sermon at church.  Infertility.  She said, "Some of you may be dealing with your cold, dark night right now.  Maybe it's divorce, death, infertility..."  I didn't hear much for the next 30 seconds, that word stopped my in my tracks.  I was completely choked up and I noticed that Jamie was, too.  I was so incredibly grateful for her uttering that word when I needed it most.  My cold, dark night will not always be cold and dark.  Some day we'll have our cozy bed, hot showers, and delicious food again.  The sun will shine down on us.  God is good.

I am so glad we were spoken to so clearly today.

And truthfully, although I am deeply saddened by our losses and our inability to have our family grow in the way we had hoped, our life is SO full of many blessings.  In between our meals of peanut butter and jelly and our dark nights, we have amazing family memories and mush to be thankful for.

Anything New?

We've been getting the question a lot lately, is anything new with our adoption process?  No, not a thing.  We're waiting.  It's hard to understand....but that's just how it goes.  There are people involved, emotions involved, decisions involved. It all takes time.  We truly want the right thing to happen, so the time is just fine for us.  It allows us to process, talk and think.  It's not the way we wanted things to go for us, but it's the way things are going so all we can do is make the best of it.  So, that's what we are doing.  Here's us making the best of our wait...

Fishing and enjoying the lake...

 Enjoying time together.....

Loving up our little man....
 Fun with friends....

 Exploring new things together...

Measuring a Baby

Griffin and I were at the library the other day.  I signed him up for the summer reading program.  He got a bookmark, sticker and could choose between a ruler and a pencil.  I asked him what he wanted and he picked the ruler.  I asked him what he would want to measure with it and he said, "The baby."  I responded, "What baby?"  He replied, "The baby we are going to get someday."

He hadn't mentioned a baby/our baby/being a big brother for about two weeks, I thought maybe he was "over it" and was moving on.  I guess not.  He's just waiting patiently just like us.  Or, trying to wait patiently.  It's hard.

How I've Changed

This letter came in the mail the other day, two or three years ago it would have made me freak out.  What did it say?  That they underestimated our escrow and that we owed about $1,250 more, so please detach the bottom portion and mail it in with a big fat check.  (It was worded slightly differently.)  What did I do.  I looked at it and thought, "Oh well."  That's it.  No freaking out.  It's just not worth worrying about the little things in life.  And, one more thing.  I am really, really glad we jetted off to Vegas prior to seeing this letter!  It might have made me think twice about spending money on a trip....and that vacation was worth every penny!

Saturday, June 2, 2012

Break from Reality

Life has been a bit overwhelming lately.  Everything is just so serious.  Or at least, feels so serious.  Serious contemplation.  Serious complications.  Serious decisions.  We needed a break from reality and we couldn't think of a better way to do that than hop a plane to Las Vegas for a few days with some good friends.  We had an amazing, relaxing, fun, stress free trip.....just the break we needed!