Dark Nights

Starting the night before Griffin's 5th birthday party, and lasting for about a week, I kept waking up in the middle of the night.  Sleepless.  I used to hate the sleepless nights, then I did a Bible study on Esther and found that my sleepless nights (and I've had lots during our battle with infertility) were best spent with God.  So, I prayed and thought in the middle of the night.  I thought about Griffin turning 5, and maybe that we were brought down this road to know that we did everything we could, but that we weren't going to be able to have more children.  Maybe we were done.  Maybe we weren't meant to be parents of multiple children.  The thought is crippling to me, but I feel like I need to get my arms around it.  It might be true.  As much as I don't want to believe it, we really might not get the chance to have another baby.  My doctor may have been right when we went to see him three years ago because we were concerned about our inability to conceive.  Maybe we had our one golden egg and that's it.  Our golden egg, Griffin.  I thought our doctor was nuts, now I think he was being realistic.

I laid awake night after night thinking about the should have, could have would have.  Should we have tried a third round of IVF?  Should we have explored other adoption agencies?  Should we have gone to Chicago for further testing.  Should, should should we have?  Like it's over.  But, it's not.  See we can still do these things, it's up to us.  But, it's scary.  Very scary.  What is going to work, cause us the least amount of grief, and allow us to bring another blessing to our lives.

Then, the sleepless nights subsided, which is good because it was turning me into a wreck.  I was groggy all day, doing my best to be my best, but I wasn't.  I was falling apart all over again.

When I was up one night, I thought I should blog about these dark, over pensive nights.  And, i'd call the post "Dark Nights".

We went to Church this morning and a guest did the sermon.  She talked about a camping trip.  A cold, wet, mosquito filled,week long camping trip with a sleepless, dark night that seemed to drag on forever.  Then a wet day with no warm showers and only peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to eat....no hot, delicious food.  Those days were tough, but at the end of the week they knew they would have hot showers and hot delicious food.  Things would be great again.  Just like life.  We have the tough, dark nights.  Boring food, too many bugs, lack of fun, no warm comfortable showers.  Then when we get those things wonderful comforts back, we appreciate them much more.  We are better people for enduring the cold, dark nights.

Then she said a word that I never heard during a sermon at church.  Infertility.  She said, "Some of you may be dealing with your cold, dark night right now.  Maybe it's divorce, death, infertility..."  I didn't hear much for the next 30 seconds, that word stopped my in my tracks.  I was completely choked up and I noticed that Jamie was, too.  I was so incredibly grateful for her uttering that word when I needed it most.  My cold, dark night will not always be cold and dark.  Some day we'll have our cozy bed, hot showers, and delicious food again.  The sun will shine down on us.  God is good.

I am so glad we were spoken to so clearly today.

And truthfully, although I am deeply saddened by our losses and our inability to have our family grow in the way we had hoped, our life is SO full of many blessings.  In between our meals of peanut butter and jelly and our dark nights, we have amazing family memories and mush to be thankful for.

A Lesson from a Fish

Tonight Griffin and I were fishing off the dock at my parent's home and I caught a fish.  I yelled for Jamie to help.  I decided I better not try to take the fish off the hook myself....I certainly had no clue how to take a fish off a hook and didn't want to do any trial and error in front of Griffin.  I kept the fish in the water so it could breathe until Jamie got to us.  Right when Jamie got next to me on the dock the fish got unhooked and swam away.

It reminded me of everything that we are going through right now--I'm stressed, I keep working through the options, I keep getting help and support from others.....and in the end, just like the fish, I am sure it will all work itself out.

I think God sent the fish my way.  Yes, I was paying attention.

Avoided Drama

It's probably bad to use the word drama in this case, but that's what I did today.  See, I don't like drama.  It upsets me, and I can get myself worked up plenty without it! 

We got a call tonight from our friend that told us he knew of a woman that was pregnant and was looking for an adoptive family.  She decided that she was going to parent the baby.  And you know what I said?  "Good for her!" And, I meant it.  I turned to Jamie and smiled, "Look at all the drama we avoided by not pushing the situation."  Maybe my intuition is kicking in?  Maybe the Big Guy upstairs has filled me with grace and peace (and patience?? No, I doubt I have that.)?  The right baby will find his or her way to us.  (Or if I am being really optimistic, the right babIES will find their way to us.)

This is a good stage.  Waiting, but only 2 weeks, so it doesn't seem very long.  (I won't count those years we've been trying!)

Where does faith fit in? How about God?

I don't think I've written a post solely devoted to God (or maybe I have?).  Which based on our faith, seems a bit strange.  I was reflecting on that the other day, then in dawned on me, it seems obvious to me that God has been woven into this entire process that I don't feel the need to write about it.  We trust that He will lead us through, and that we will be blessed with another child. 

We will frequently be hanging out as a family....playing, eating dinner, on a Thompson family adventure, and one of us will point to the sky and say "thank you".  We know God got us this far and will continue to lead us.

He's why most days I feel strong despite what we've been through.  If you would have told me years ago that I'd get through 4 miscarriages, a barrage of medical testing and treatments, administer nearly 100 shots to myself, and shell out thousands and thousands of dollars to do it--and still love my life, I would have thought you were crazy.  But, here I am, doing just that, loving my life.  (But, I'm certain it would be EVEN better with a baby in my arms!)

And it helps to have a really supportive, thoughtful and loving husband.  I'm just sayin'.

Comfort and Help

The other day I looked up a website my mother-in-law gave me.  She was watching CNN and saw a special on adoption, it talked about an organization called Help Us Adopt (www.helpusadopt.org).  It's a non-profit that provides grants to families with financial difficulties that want to adopt.

I read, and clicked and read and clicked.  It was started by a woman kinda like me, ya know, infertile.  And she has a blog: http://www.aninfertileblonde.com/.  I'm even kinda blonde right now, at least the strands of my hair that I paid to dye blonde. 

I couldn't stop reading and clicking.  And, my thoughts kept coming--how amazing it was that she did this--started such a great organization, blogged about her feelings. Sshe is COMFORTING and HELPING people, many people.  She's helping people achieve their dream of becoming parents.  Wow. 

I've always said that when "this" part of my life is done, I want to help people get through their struggles with infertility.  I'm not sure how I'll do it yet, but I'll somehow make it happen.  I want to comfort others and give them hope. 

I went to bed uplifted.

I went to Bible study the next day.  Our group is doing a study called Brave by Angela Thomas.  I love it.  Down to earth, real, easy to understand.  I started watching the video and I immediately felt like the session was written just for me.  Seriously. 

She talked about fear, the kind of fear that makes you tremble inside.  I know that fear.  She quoted 2 Corinthians 1:4-5.  To paraphrase: The purpose of receiving comfort is so that we may comfort others.  I thought of all of the comfort I have received through our difficult times, due to our faith, family and friends.  It has inspired me to want to comfort others.

She also talked about hope.  Having hope through adversity.  Hope.  A thing called hope. 

It's fun when things in life come together, and through the grief and challenges, I can somehow see clearly.  Even if it is just for a moment. 

Giving God a Little Credit

It seems like I've heard it all through our infertility struggles, and mostly losses.

"God only give you what you can handle."
"Maybe you aren't meant for more."
"God must be trying to tell you something."
"God has a different plan for you."

I am sure people are just trying to give me comfort. But, really, these statements get me more worked up than anything.

Only giving me what I can handle? Really, really? God knows that I will somehow manage to get through our pregnancy losses so He keeps giving them to me? Sorry, I choose to believe that God isn't a jerk. I was reading a magazine at my mother-in-law's home the other day and found a saying on a great sign, "God doesn't give us what we can handle, God helps us handle what we are given." Yes, and thank you. This is how I choose to think, for if thought the other way I'm certain I would be angry and bitter all of the time. Not just some of the time.

Aren't meant for more? Oh, and how many kids do you have? 2? 3? So, God thinks you were meant for more, but not us? Please explain. PLENTY of people in this world have multiple children and don't take care of them....even abuse them. So to hear that I wasn't "meant" for more is tough, very tough.

Telling me something? OK, I agree, I wonder if He's telling me that I can't carry another baby. But, then why do I want to have another one so badly? We were happily on the road to adoption, we felt firm and confident in our decision, then we find out we were pregnant, only to have it lead to another loss. If He was trying to tell me something, I already heard the message, remember? We applied for adoption, didn't sign up for another IVF and got pregnant anyway. So, then I start to wonder, did He want me to get pregnant so that I could remember the joy of pregnancy and that we should, indeed, try again someday? See, this one could spin either way. It's really mind boggling if you try to figure it out. So, I'm not.

A different plan. Plan. What plan? We threw plans out the door a long, long time ago. You know those people that plan a pregnancy so they are due at a certain time....yeah, those people? We aren't them. We have no plan. We have hope. Hope that our family will get bigger and that we'll have to stay up all hours of the night rocking a baby. Hope that Griffin can be a big brother. Hope that we can watch another miracle unfold before our very eyes.

So, people, let's give God a little credit. He's helping us to handle the tough road that we've been on. He's hurting right along with us.