In January of 2010 I couldn't take it anymore, I needed to talk to other people like me. Infertile people. I needed to know my feelings weren't crazy, I wanted to be validated. I joined a Resolve support group and it's been good for me. I've met great women battling what I've been battling for years. Most of them have been battling for years, too.
I attended the meeting last week, and it dawned on me that everyone that I started the group with has "resolved" their infertility in one way or another: adoption, birth or getting their arms around the idea that more children aren't in their future. But not me, I'm still there. Chugging along. I'm suppose I'm making progress, it just doesn't feel like it.
I started reflecting on the money (close to $45,000), the time (over 3.5 years), the miscarriages (4), the failed IUIs (5), the months on infertility medication (12), the months waiting in the book (7), the tears (countless). Still no resolution. It made me sad. I'm kinda "the last one standing." Then I remembered the wonderful women I met that are happily holding their babies. I am so grateful for that. Someday I will get to join them (at least I keep telling myself that).
It's shocking. I would have never guessed I'd still be going to meetings, unresolved. I was SO positive that each next step was going to work. I never would have guessed that I'd be the last one of the group standing. But, here I am hoping that soon my only reason to attend meetings will be to support other women like me and tell them not to give up. I've fought harder than I thought I could, experienced more disappointment than I thought I could endure, but I'm OK. Truly OK.