In January of 2010 I couldn't take it anymore, I needed to talk to other people like me. Infertile people. I needed to know my feelings weren't crazy, I wanted to be validated. I joined a Resolve support group and it's been good for me. I've met great women battling what I've been battling for years. Most of them have been battling for years, too.
I attended the meeting last week, and it dawned on me that everyone that I started the group with has "resolved" their infertility in one way or another: adoption, birth or getting their arms around the idea that more children aren't in their future. But not me, I'm still there. Chugging along. I'm suppose I'm making progress, it just doesn't feel like it.
I started reflecting on the money (close to $45,000), the time (over 3.5 years), the miscarriages (4), the failed IUIs (5), the months on infertility medication (12), the months waiting in the book (7), the tears (countless). Still no resolution. It made me sad. I'm kinda "the last one standing." Then I remembered the wonderful women I met that are happily holding their babies. I am so grateful for that. Someday I will get to join them (at least I keep telling myself that).
It's shocking. I would have never guessed I'd still be going to meetings, unresolved. I was SO positive that each next step was going to work. I never would have guessed that I'd be the last one of the group standing. But, here I am hoping that soon my only reason to attend meetings will be to support other women like me and tell them not to give up. I've fought harder than I thought I could, experienced more disappointment than I thought I could endure, but I'm OK. Truly OK.
I think one important thing to remember is that adoption does not 'resolve' infertility. I know many people who have adopted who are still stuck that they are not able to have a child of their 'own'. Those are not my words. I have come to realization that it is necessary to be picked over by the social workers, county workers, birth family and others to be prepared for these human beings--who have feelings and no choice as infants--that will come into our lives. I felt so sad for those experiencing such sadness over infertility even after they were blessed with a child or children through adoption. My heart broke wondering if that child will always feel second best to the ones that were never born. I really believe you are working through to process all the loss you have experienced. I remind you that it will probably never go away. You will always have that loss. Just as a birthmother who places her child will always have the loss of her child through adoption. These are things we cannot change. We can only figure out how we can accept them as part of our life so we can continue to live our life to the fullest and give all that we can give to all the ones we love. I do know your pain. I remember that sadness like it was yesterday wanting to have a family and not knowing if it would ever happen. I remember it was just intense when I yearned for a second child and then third. It is no less intense. I have no answers for you either. Just that you are not alone. AND, I truly believe that it will happen for you. Full term is 9 months (well technically 10)...right? You just have to believe...I guess that is what faith is...I will be praying for you!
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