I plan to blog my heart out on Wednesday. Lots on my heart and in my brain! We feel blessed beyond measure, the support we've received from the interview on WCCO has been amazing.
No, we still don't have a baby.
For those of you that didn't see my blitz all over Facebook, or didn't catch the news on Friday night at 10:00 p.m., here it is: http://minnesota.cbslocal.com/2012/05/04/after-4-miscarriages-minn-family-turns-to-an-open-adoption/
They did a beautiful job of capturing the true us. I am so thankful for the opportunity to share our story. I hope that it was not only therapeutic for us, but for others that have suffered through infertility as well.
Showing posts with label empty arms. Show all posts
Showing posts with label empty arms. Show all posts
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Almost There
I have a friend at the gym that gets ready post workout when I do. Her daughter is anticipating the arrival of her baby any day. When she told me that her daughter was pregnant, I was, too. We were about a week apart, but our baby didn't survive. Today we were talking about her daughter, how she returned the "1st Christmas" outfits that would be much too small since she didn't have her baby before Christmas, how she was trying to walk a lot to get things "moving" and her favorite baby names. It made me wish I could buy a baby's 1st Christmas outfit, but I wouldn't know what size to get. Then I reminded myself that I am not really into baby's 1st Christmas outfits, at least not the kind that are probably 50% off right now! ;)
I'm almost there....to the date of the last "should have been due date" and to the date of the anniversary of finding out that baby #4 died somewhere between our 11.5 week ultrasound and 14 weeks. It seems so far away, but just like yesterday. The thought of being pregnant seems so distant, the pain of the loss seems so fresh. I can remember what happened in the ultrasound room that day with a scary vividness. January 11th will bring a clean slate. Almost there, to the clean slate.
I'm almost there....to the date of the last "should have been due date" and to the date of the anniversary of finding out that baby #4 died somewhere between our 11.5 week ultrasound and 14 weeks. It seems so far away, but just like yesterday. The thought of being pregnant seems so distant, the pain of the loss seems so fresh. I can remember what happened in the ultrasound room that day with a scary vividness. January 11th will bring a clean slate. Almost there, to the clean slate.
Monday, December 19, 2011
Trying to Shake the Funk
So, things were going along well. I felt at peace with where we were, the waiting stage was just fine, after all we finally at least had a chance at getting selected.
Then last Thursday came and I got into a funk...and I can't fully understand why. Jamie commented that we are getting in Christmas card after Christmas card with 2, 3, 4 kids per family on them. Maybe that's getting to me? Last year we hung up our Christmas stockings thinking we'd have another this year. Nope, didn't happen, grief, grief, grief. We're approaching the anniversary of the day we found out that baby #4 wasn't alive. I'm eating more and exercising less. I was secretly holding out for a Christmas miracle. It's the end of the year, another babyless year. I told myself 2011 was going to be better than 2010, but I was wrong.
But, our life is good! We have so much! We have each other, wonderful family and friends, good jobs, HEALTH! Why the funk? I feel so ungrateful.
On Friday I woke up and told myself that I had to keep going for our future child, if we gave up now, that wouldn't be fair for the child that was meant to be in our home. During this entire process, I've been honest in that we want a baby...badly. We want a bigger family, it's about our hopes and dreams. We didn't make this decision to help someone (although we are truly helpful, giving, loving people). We will, of course, raise our adopted child with unconditional love and do everything we can to make the best life possible for our children. For now I think I have to focus on what we can do for a child--what we can provide. Knowing that we will provide the child we adopt with the best life possible may be just the thing keeping me going for a while. Moving away from the thought that we are doing this for ourselves may be the trick. I hope so.
After pondering in bed for a while, I walked out to our Christmas tree and saw this:
And I reminded myself of how blessed we were to have him. And, I thought about the people that aren't able to have children. We're one of the lucky infertile ones.
The weekend was good. We had fun with friends, skated on the lake, enjoyed Griffin's Christmas program at church and spent time with our family.
I thought I was bouncing back.
Then today I was struggling, I just didn't feel right emotionally. I felt weepy. On the way home from work, I had tears and tears streaming down my face. What happened!? Weeks ago I was tearing up on the way to work thinking about holding our baby and seeing him/her for the first time. I kept thinking of people I know with living with other disappointments in their life, things not working out how they had hoped, planned for or expected. And, now I feel defeated, like that happy ending may never come our way. This is all part of it, I'm sure. At some point I'll feel better, I know I will. But, for now I'm sick of limbo, I want dirty diapers to change.
Thank you to a few great friends (+ my best friend, Jamie) that listened and are lifting me up today.
And now, at the risk of sounding like a drama queen, I will click "Publish Post".
Then last Thursday came and I got into a funk...and I can't fully understand why. Jamie commented that we are getting in Christmas card after Christmas card with 2, 3, 4 kids per family on them. Maybe that's getting to me? Last year we hung up our Christmas stockings thinking we'd have another this year. Nope, didn't happen, grief, grief, grief. We're approaching the anniversary of the day we found out that baby #4 wasn't alive. I'm eating more and exercising less. I was secretly holding out for a Christmas miracle. It's the end of the year, another babyless year. I told myself 2011 was going to be better than 2010, but I was wrong.
But, our life is good! We have so much! We have each other, wonderful family and friends, good jobs, HEALTH! Why the funk? I feel so ungrateful.
On Friday I woke up and told myself that I had to keep going for our future child, if we gave up now, that wouldn't be fair for the child that was meant to be in our home. During this entire process, I've been honest in that we want a baby...badly. We want a bigger family, it's about our hopes and dreams. We didn't make this decision to help someone (although we are truly helpful, giving, loving people). We will, of course, raise our adopted child with unconditional love and do everything we can to make the best life possible for our children. For now I think I have to focus on what we can do for a child--what we can provide. Knowing that we will provide the child we adopt with the best life possible may be just the thing keeping me going for a while. Moving away from the thought that we are doing this for ourselves may be the trick. I hope so.
After pondering in bed for a while, I walked out to our Christmas tree and saw this:
The weekend was good. We had fun with friends, skated on the lake, enjoyed Griffin's Christmas program at church and spent time with our family.
I thought I was bouncing back.
Then today I was struggling, I just didn't feel right emotionally. I felt weepy. On the way home from work, I had tears and tears streaming down my face. What happened!? Weeks ago I was tearing up on the way to work thinking about holding our baby and seeing him/her for the first time. I kept thinking of people I know with living with other disappointments in their life, things not working out how they had hoped, planned for or expected. And, now I feel defeated, like that happy ending may never come our way. This is all part of it, I'm sure. At some point I'll feel better, I know I will. But, for now I'm sick of limbo, I want dirty diapers to change.
Thank you to a few great friends (+ my best friend, Jamie) that listened and are lifting me up today.
And now, at the risk of sounding like a drama queen, I will click "Publish Post".
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
Empty Arms
Tears started falling when I read the first two words of this video, and they didn't stop. I feel so understood.
Empty Arms
Empty Arms
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