I'd be thinking I was one of the lucky ones that was getting thorough my first trimester without morning sickness. I'd be journaling in my new, crisp pregnancy journal. I'd be crossing off another day on the calendar, smiling because in 4 weeks I'd be sharing my pregnancy news with others.
But, I'm not "normal". I'm infertile. So, instead, I get prime treatment at the doctor's office. And, because I get prime treatment I found out early on that there was little hope for our baby. I know that my lack of nausea isn't good fortune, it's because my baby isn't growing. I journal in a book with lots of blank lines....not fun facts about how much my baby has grown in the last few days. I don't cross days off on my calendar, because, for now, I don't have anything to count down for. But someday, someday I will have a countdown to something really good, really special, our baby story. Someday.
I wish I was normal.
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Friday, May 20, 2011
Our Nightstands are Having an Identity Crisis
I told Jamie the other day that our night stands appear to be having an identity crisis. In between the Real Simple and ESPN magazines are books about miscarriages, pregnancy, getting pregnant naturally and adoption. I am sure our cleaning lady thinks we are nuts. Heck, I think we are nuts. I put the pregnancy books away tonight. I am tired of taking them in and out of the bin in our basement. Maybe it's time to send them to Good Will. Or better yet, sell them in an adoption garage sale. How ironic.
Hope on Hold.
So, we had our first home study meeting scheduled for Tuesday, Jamie and I were looking forward to meeting our adoption social worker and were 100% on board with our plans for adoption. Then, life threw us a curve ball. And, it was a great curve ball...for about two weeks. Then, it lead to more sorrow and loss. I thought we were done with that. No. Such. Luck.
Here's the story.
My cycle has been a bit out of whack since the D&C, so it has been hard to tell what has been going on. But, one thing was for sure, it seemed like I was a bit "late". So, I did what every good woman that has peed on way too many negative pregnancy tests would do--waited. About 6 days went by and I asked Jamie what he thought we should do. His idea? Wait more. Yeah, but. What about that event I had to go to and be a bus hostess with all of the wine? Yeah, better not be downing too much of that IF I actually was pregnant. And the running, better put a kibosh on that, too. So, we decided it would be a good idea to take a test. I had a "feeling" I was pregnant, but after everything we have been through I don't exactly trust my body.
On Mother's Day evening we found out we were pregnant. SHOCK! We are THOSE people. Those ones that apply for adoption and get pregnant. Holy Cow. I was secretly hoping that we'd adopt a baby and BAM be surprised with a pregnancy, but this was over the top--we didn't even get to the home study.
But, here's the thing. We WANT to adopt. We are mentally invested in adoption. We know we want to grow our family through adoption. It's on our hearts.
The good thing is, the two of us seem to get on the same page {FAST} when it comes to family building. So, we said the same thing....if this works out, we'll have this baby, wait until he/she turns one and apply for adoption again. Yeah, great plan! I love plans. How come my plans don't seem to work out very often?
So, I head to the doctor in disbelief a week ago Wednesday and they confirmed my pregnancy. 5 weeks, 2 days with a pretty little gestational sac. Oh, I love being pregnant.
I decided this time I was going to let myself enjoy the pregnancy. So, I ordered a pregnancy journal, and gosh darn it I was going to use it! (During my last pregnancy I took the pregnancy journal I used for Griffin and wrote on the margins in a different color pen--I was afraid to get a journal, like it would jinx it or something. Pathetic.)
I was so excited. I was going to have a baby, our baby, Griffin's sibling. Did I mention I love being pregnant? I love maternity clothes...oh and I had such cute ones from the last pregnancy that I barely got to wear, some not at all! And, for Ann's wedding I'd be pregnant--how fun! Now, when July rolled around and I felt the grief from our last loss (he was due July 12), I would know that come late Dec/early Jan we would have a baby. We've prayed for blessings and we got it! We've been praying for our birth mother and it turns out our birth mother is ME! Griffin would be so excited, he wants a brother or sister so badly.
Don't get me wrong, I was NERVOUS, too. But, I kept telling myself, why would this happen if it wasn't meant to be? Why would I have to go through one more terrible thing to grow our family? It happened, out of the blue, naturally (although I was on Metformin which helps with the condition I have--PCOS.). So, clearly it was meant to be. I worked on calming my fears and enjoying the fact that I had our baby growing in me.
We had another ultrasound scheduled for today. I was afraid to go. I knew that if we got bad news everything would change, I could no longer live in the dream that we were going to have another miracle baby and that I WAS PREGNANT!
I knew within seconds that things were not looking good. The ultrasound tech wasn't talking, just clicking through different screens. I asked some questions and she commented that it was early, but she also said that I am measuring at 6 weeks. Not good. I should be at least 6 weeks, 4 days. And, my early ultrasounds have always been ahead of the actual date. No heart beat was detected. Tears fell.
I went to change in the bathroom. I could hear the ultrasound in the room next to me, "Here are the fingers..." and a cute little boy making comments. A big brother. My poor Griffin doesn't even know that he was supposed to be a big brother, but his sibling doesn't seem to have a fighting chance.
We went upstairs and talked to our doctor. There isn't much hope. Hope? But, that's what I have focused on for so long. HOPE. And, for the first time in a long time, I, too felt little hope. How could I ever try to get pregnant again knowing that I have had 4 consecutive losses? Something is wrong, and we don't know what it is.
I asked about more testing. I've done all the major tests for pregnancy loss. Unexplained. I have unexplained losses. My babies are dying and we don't know why. And, I want them oh so badly. So unfair, so unfair. I want to be a mom again. Jamie is the best dad ever. And Griffin, sweet little Griffin wants a baby in our house so badly.
So, our adoption is on hold and I am losing our baby. Our hope. I'm going to have a four sweet babies to meet when I get to heaven.
Here's the story.
My cycle has been a bit out of whack since the D&C, so it has been hard to tell what has been going on. But, one thing was for sure, it seemed like I was a bit "late". So, I did what every good woman that has peed on way too many negative pregnancy tests would do--waited. About 6 days went by and I asked Jamie what he thought we should do. His idea? Wait more. Yeah, but. What about that event I had to go to and be a bus hostess with all of the wine? Yeah, better not be downing too much of that IF I actually was pregnant. And the running, better put a kibosh on that, too. So, we decided it would be a good idea to take a test. I had a "feeling" I was pregnant, but after everything we have been through I don't exactly trust my body.
On Mother's Day evening we found out we were pregnant. SHOCK! We are THOSE people. Those ones that apply for adoption and get pregnant. Holy Cow. I was secretly hoping that we'd adopt a baby and BAM be surprised with a pregnancy, but this was over the top--we didn't even get to the home study.
But, here's the thing. We WANT to adopt. We are mentally invested in adoption. We know we want to grow our family through adoption. It's on our hearts.
The good thing is, the two of us seem to get on the same page {FAST} when it comes to family building. So, we said the same thing....if this works out, we'll have this baby, wait until he/she turns one and apply for adoption again. Yeah, great plan! I love plans. How come my plans don't seem to work out very often?
So, I head to the doctor in disbelief a week ago Wednesday and they confirmed my pregnancy. 5 weeks, 2 days with a pretty little gestational sac. Oh, I love being pregnant.
I decided this time I was going to let myself enjoy the pregnancy. So, I ordered a pregnancy journal, and gosh darn it I was going to use it! (During my last pregnancy I took the pregnancy journal I used for Griffin and wrote on the margins in a different color pen--I was afraid to get a journal, like it would jinx it or something. Pathetic.)
I was so excited. I was going to have a baby, our baby, Griffin's sibling. Did I mention I love being pregnant? I love maternity clothes...oh and I had such cute ones from the last pregnancy that I barely got to wear, some not at all! And, for Ann's wedding I'd be pregnant--how fun! Now, when July rolled around and I felt the grief from our last loss (he was due July 12), I would know that come late Dec/early Jan we would have a baby. We've prayed for blessings and we got it! We've been praying for our birth mother and it turns out our birth mother is ME! Griffin would be so excited, he wants a brother or sister so badly.
Don't get me wrong, I was NERVOUS, too. But, I kept telling myself, why would this happen if it wasn't meant to be? Why would I have to go through one more terrible thing to grow our family? It happened, out of the blue, naturally (although I was on Metformin which helps with the condition I have--PCOS.). So, clearly it was meant to be. I worked on calming my fears and enjoying the fact that I had our baby growing in me.
We had another ultrasound scheduled for today. I was afraid to go. I knew that if we got bad news everything would change, I could no longer live in the dream that we were going to have another miracle baby and that I WAS PREGNANT!
I knew within seconds that things were not looking good. The ultrasound tech wasn't talking, just clicking through different screens. I asked some questions and she commented that it was early, but she also said that I am measuring at 6 weeks. Not good. I should be at least 6 weeks, 4 days. And, my early ultrasounds have always been ahead of the actual date. No heart beat was detected. Tears fell.
I went to change in the bathroom. I could hear the ultrasound in the room next to me, "Here are the fingers..." and a cute little boy making comments. A big brother. My poor Griffin doesn't even know that he was supposed to be a big brother, but his sibling doesn't seem to have a fighting chance.
We went upstairs and talked to our doctor. There isn't much hope. Hope? But, that's what I have focused on for so long. HOPE. And, for the first time in a long time, I, too felt little hope. How could I ever try to get pregnant again knowing that I have had 4 consecutive losses? Something is wrong, and we don't know what it is.
I asked about more testing. I've done all the major tests for pregnancy loss. Unexplained. I have unexplained losses. My babies are dying and we don't know why. And, I want them oh so badly. So unfair, so unfair. I want to be a mom again. Jamie is the best dad ever. And Griffin, sweet little Griffin wants a baby in our house so badly.
So, our adoption is on hold and I am losing our baby. Our hope. I'm going to have a four sweet babies to meet when I get to heaven.
Sunday, May 8, 2011
Innocence
I was getting my hair done the other day and chatting with my hairdresser about the usualy life stuff...Griffin starting t-ball, her happiness that hockey season was over, and our adoption process. In walked another client and her hairdresser immediately began to ask how she was feeling, was she feeling less sick? She sat down next to me. There was a lump in my gut. I knew it immediately. She was pregnant. My hairdresser and I both fell silent, I am sure we both knew the obvious and didn't quite know what to say (my hairdresser was well aware of the loss of our baby...one appointment I was wearing a maternity shirt, the next appointment I was back in "normal" clothes). The woman spoke about how she found out she was pregnant just one week after her missed period--SO EARLY--so it was going to feel like she was pregnant forever, she was 8 weeks along. And, she'd be pregnant at her wedding, it was diappointing that she wouldn't be able to party. She'd been so sick it was hard to get out of bed.
I just listened and thought about how my innocence was lost. It took nearly 2 years to conveive Griffin. The thought of not knowing I was pregnant for a week doesn't even seem possible. With 3 of our 4 pregnancies I found out I was pregnant BEFORE my missed period. With the other pregnancy, I had a good inkling I was pregnant, but my Grandmother was seriously ill and passed away. I didn't want to take a test because it wasn't a time for rejoicing, it was a time for mouring.
8 weeks along. And she was so confident. I REALLY can't imagine confidently telling anyone I was pregnant at 8 weeks along! During my last pregnancy, I didn't even announce it at work (we have the tradition of bringing in pink and blue treats when you want to share the news) until I was 14 weeks along. The same day I found out our little guy was no longer alive. A miscarriage will do that to you, I don't think you can ever enjoy your pregnancy the same way after losing a baby.
So, I thought about how fortunate this woman was to have her innocence and confidence, two things I can't get back. I am sure losing them has somehow made me a better person, stronger woman and more appreciative mother. Most days I'd rather have the innocence and confidence instead, but I still am thankful for the gifts I have received through our losses.
I just listened and thought about how my innocence was lost. It took nearly 2 years to conveive Griffin. The thought of not knowing I was pregnant for a week doesn't even seem possible. With 3 of our 4 pregnancies I found out I was pregnant BEFORE my missed period. With the other pregnancy, I had a good inkling I was pregnant, but my Grandmother was seriously ill and passed away. I didn't want to take a test because it wasn't a time for rejoicing, it was a time for mouring.
8 weeks along. And she was so confident. I REALLY can't imagine confidently telling anyone I was pregnant at 8 weeks along! During my last pregnancy, I didn't even announce it at work (we have the tradition of bringing in pink and blue treats when you want to share the news) until I was 14 weeks along. The same day I found out our little guy was no longer alive. A miscarriage will do that to you, I don't think you can ever enjoy your pregnancy the same way after losing a baby.
So, I thought about how fortunate this woman was to have her innocence and confidence, two things I can't get back. I am sure losing them has somehow made me a better person, stronger woman and more appreciative mother. Most days I'd rather have the innocence and confidence instead, but I still am thankful for the gifts I have received through our losses.
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
IVF?
One of the questions I get on a somewhat frequent basis is if we are going to try IVF again, after all we have another session paid for. I can answer that with a good, solid maybe. Pretty pathetic, huh? Here's the deal. I'm not ready to go through that again. Here's why:
1) I had my blood drawn for auto immune tests a while back. I cried and cried sitting there. It brought back too many memories of baseline bloodwork and pregnancy tests.
2) That would mean more time in the place where I found out our baby died. What if my baseline ultrasound is in that very room? No thanks.
3) I can handle stabbing myself with shots all over my belly. I can handle having my eggs retrieved. I can handle them being put back in. I can handle telling Jamie to buck up and give me another shot in my keester. I don't think I can handle the 2ww (2 week wait)--the wait to find out if we are pregnant. Then, the two day wait to find out of my beta doubled. Then, the wait to see if the baby made it to ultrasound #1, then #2, then #3. It all sound too painful. I don't want any more babies to die.
4) If we get pregnant, our adoption will be on hold. (Yes, I realize we haven't even had our home study, but we are emotionally invested in our unknown adopted child already). If we have a biological child, we can't adopt through LSS for a year.
5) If we do another IVF cycle, we will pay about $9,000 out of pocket due to meds, bloodwork, ultrasounds and embryo testing. $9,000 would go a long way towards our $22,000-$25,000 adoption!
6) After everything we've learned about adoption, including the good, bad and ugly, we WANT to adopt a baby (or 2)!
So, am I ready to cash in on our shared risk program and get 75% of the $16,000 we invested back? (Only 75% because we have a frozen embryo.) Heck no. Based on our infertility track record, another IVF cycle is likely our last hope for a pregnancy. And, gosh do I LOVE being pregnant (even though it now scares me, too!)! And, as you well know, I'm not into giving up hope.
So, for now, I'll keep giving the same answer: maybe.
1) I had my blood drawn for auto immune tests a while back. I cried and cried sitting there. It brought back too many memories of baseline bloodwork and pregnancy tests.
2) That would mean more time in the place where I found out our baby died. What if my baseline ultrasound is in that very room? No thanks.
3) I can handle stabbing myself with shots all over my belly. I can handle having my eggs retrieved. I can handle them being put back in. I can handle telling Jamie to buck up and give me another shot in my keester. I don't think I can handle the 2ww (2 week wait)--the wait to find out if we are pregnant. Then, the two day wait to find out of my beta doubled. Then, the wait to see if the baby made it to ultrasound #1, then #2, then #3. It all sound too painful. I don't want any more babies to die.
4) If we get pregnant, our adoption will be on hold. (Yes, I realize we haven't even had our home study, but we are emotionally invested in our unknown adopted child already). If we have a biological child, we can't adopt through LSS for a year.
5) If we do another IVF cycle, we will pay about $9,000 out of pocket due to meds, bloodwork, ultrasounds and embryo testing. $9,000 would go a long way towards our $22,000-$25,000 adoption!
6) After everything we've learned about adoption, including the good, bad and ugly, we WANT to adopt a baby (or 2)!
So, am I ready to cash in on our shared risk program and get 75% of the $16,000 we invested back? (Only 75% because we have a frozen embryo.) Heck no. Based on our infertility track record, another IVF cycle is likely our last hope for a pregnancy. And, gosh do I LOVE being pregnant (even though it now scares me, too!)! And, as you well know, I'm not into giving up hope.
So, for now, I'll keep giving the same answer: maybe.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
2WW
While I was running the other day, it dawned on me that I was suddenly freed from the infamous 2ww that all of us infertiles experience. 2 weeks of waiting to find out if we are pregnant, 2 weeks of waiting to ovulate, and repeat. (Not to mention shots, pills, tears, etc. inserted into the equation).
Suddenly I am doing things that I haven't done in a long time: running 3 miles straight (wow did that feel good!), drinking a diet cherry pepsi without any guilt, sipping on wine with dinner. As I was running and processing all of this, I felt so liberated, I felt like me again!!
Would I rather be pregnant and feeling a baby kick in my belly? Absolutely. But, I don't have that choice right now, so I am choosing to live life to the fullest and enjoy things that I haven't in a long time.
I noticed a change in me when I went out with a group of girls last night, I feel like I am getting my old pre-infertility self back. A weight has been lifted off. I don't need to be concerned about medications and doctor's appointments. Instead, I need to complete paperwork and take good care of myself and my family--those things seem so much more manageable to me!!
So, for now I feel liberated. I hope it lasts. :)
P.S. Now the dreaded question of "How many children do you have?" doesn't seem quite as tough. My answer now is, "One, and we are in the process of completing our paperwork to adopt." Gosh does that feel good!
Suddenly I am doing things that I haven't done in a long time: running 3 miles straight (wow did that feel good!), drinking a diet cherry pepsi without any guilt, sipping on wine with dinner. As I was running and processing all of this, I felt so liberated, I felt like me again!!
Would I rather be pregnant and feeling a baby kick in my belly? Absolutely. But, I don't have that choice right now, so I am choosing to live life to the fullest and enjoy things that I haven't in a long time.
I noticed a change in me when I went out with a group of girls last night, I feel like I am getting my old pre-infertility self back. A weight has been lifted off. I don't need to be concerned about medications and doctor's appointments. Instead, I need to complete paperwork and take good care of myself and my family--those things seem so much more manageable to me!!
So, for now I feel liberated. I hope it lasts. :)
P.S. Now the dreaded question of "How many children do you have?" doesn't seem quite as tough. My answer now is, "One, and we are in the process of completing our paperwork to adopt." Gosh does that feel good!
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