Innocence

I was getting my hair done the other day and chatting with my hairdresser about the usualy life stuff...Griffin starting t-ball, her happiness that hockey season was over, and our adoption process. In walked another client and her hairdresser immediately began to ask how she was feeling, was she feeling less sick? She sat down next to me. There was a lump in my gut. I knew it immediately. She was pregnant. My hairdresser and I both fell silent, I am sure we both knew the obvious and didn't quite know what to say (my hairdresser was well aware of the loss of our baby...one appointment I was wearing a maternity shirt, the next appointment I was back in "normal" clothes). The woman spoke about how she found out she was pregnant just one week after her missed period--SO EARLY--so it was going to feel like she was pregnant forever, she was 8 weeks along. And, she'd be pregnant at her wedding, it was diappointing that she wouldn't be able to party. She'd been so sick it was hard to get out of bed.

I just listened and thought about how my innocence was lost. It took nearly 2 years to conveive Griffin. The thought of not knowing I was pregnant for a week doesn't even seem possible. With 3 of our 4 pregnancies I found out I was pregnant BEFORE my missed period. With the other pregnancy, I had a good inkling I was pregnant, but my Grandmother was seriously ill and passed away. I didn't want to take a test because it wasn't a time for rejoicing, it was a time for mouring.

8 weeks along. And she was so confident. I REALLY can't imagine confidently telling anyone I was pregnant at 8 weeks along! During my last pregnancy, I didn't even announce it at work (we have the tradition of bringing in pink and blue treats when you want to share the news) until I was 14 weeks along. The same day I found out our little guy was no longer alive. A miscarriage will do that to you, I don't think you can ever enjoy your pregnancy the same way after losing a baby.

So, I thought about how fortunate this woman was to have her innocence and confidence, two things I can't get back. I am sure losing them has somehow made me a better person, stronger woman and more appreciative mother. Most days I'd rather have the innocence and confidence instead, but I still am thankful for the gifts I have received through our losses.