Friday, May 20, 2011

Hope on Hold.

So, we had our first home study meeting scheduled for Tuesday, Jamie and I were looking forward to meeting our adoption social worker and were 100% on board with our plans for adoption. Then, life threw us a curve ball. And, it was a great curve ball...for about two weeks. Then, it lead to more sorrow and loss. I thought we were done with that. No. Such. Luck.

Here's the story.

My cycle has been a bit out of whack since the D&C, so it has been hard to tell what has been going on. But, one thing was for sure, it seemed like I was a bit "late". So, I did what every good woman that has peed on way too many negative pregnancy tests would do--waited. About 6 days went by and I asked Jamie what he thought we should do. His idea? Wait more. Yeah, but. What about that event I had to go to and be a bus hostess with all of the wine? Yeah, better not be downing too much of that IF I actually was pregnant. And the running, better put a kibosh on that, too. So, we decided it would be a good idea to take a test. I had a "feeling" I was pregnant, but after everything we have been through I don't exactly trust my body.

On Mother's Day evening we found out we were pregnant. SHOCK! We are THOSE people. Those ones that apply for adoption and get pregnant. Holy Cow. I was secretly hoping that we'd adopt a baby and BAM be surprised with a pregnancy, but this was over the top--we didn't even get to the home study.

But, here's the thing. We WANT to adopt. We are mentally invested in adoption. We know we want to grow our family through adoption. It's on our hearts.

The good thing is, the two of us seem to get on the same page {FAST} when it comes to family building. So, we said the same thing....if this works out, we'll have this baby, wait until he/she turns one and apply for adoption again. Yeah, great plan! I love plans. How come my plans don't seem to work out very often?

So, I head to the doctor in disbelief a week ago Wednesday and they confirmed my pregnancy. 5 weeks, 2 days with a pretty little gestational sac. Oh, I love being pregnant.

I decided this time I was going to let myself enjoy the pregnancy. So, I ordered a pregnancy journal, and gosh darn it I was going to use it! (During my last pregnancy I took the pregnancy journal I used for Griffin and wrote on the margins in a different color pen--I was afraid to get a journal, like it would jinx it or something. Pathetic.)

I was so excited. I was going to have a baby, our baby, Griffin's sibling. Did I mention I love being pregnant? I love maternity clothes...oh and I had such cute ones from the last pregnancy that I barely got to wear, some not at all! And, for Ann's wedding I'd be pregnant--how fun! Now, when July rolled around and I felt the grief from our last loss (he was due July 12), I would know that come late Dec/early Jan we would have a baby. We've prayed for blessings and we got it! We've been praying for our birth mother and it turns out our birth mother is ME! Griffin would be so excited, he wants a brother or sister so badly.

Don't get me wrong, I was NERVOUS, too. But, I kept telling myself, why would this happen if it wasn't meant to be? Why would I have to go through one more terrible thing to grow our family? It happened, out of the blue, naturally (although I was on Metformin which helps with the condition I have--PCOS.). So, clearly it was meant to be. I worked on calming my fears and enjoying the fact that I had our baby growing in me.

We had another ultrasound scheduled for today. I was afraid to go. I knew that if we got bad news everything would change, I could no longer live in the dream that we were going to have another miracle baby and that I WAS PREGNANT!

I knew within seconds that things were not looking good. The ultrasound tech wasn't talking, just clicking through different screens. I asked some questions and she commented that it was early, but she also said that I am measuring at 6 weeks. Not good. I should be at least 6 weeks, 4 days. And, my early ultrasounds have always been ahead of the actual date. No heart beat was detected. Tears fell.

I went to change in the bathroom. I could hear the ultrasound in the room next to me, "Here are the fingers..." and a cute little boy making comments. A big brother. My poor Griffin doesn't even know that he was supposed to be a big brother, but his sibling doesn't seem to have a fighting chance.

We went upstairs and talked to our doctor. There isn't much hope. Hope? But, that's what I have focused on for so long. HOPE. And, for the first time in a long time, I, too felt little hope. How could I ever try to get pregnant again knowing that I have had 4 consecutive losses? Something is wrong, and we don't know what it is.

I asked about more testing. I've done all the major tests for pregnancy loss. Unexplained. I have unexplained losses. My babies are dying and we don't know why. And, I want them oh so badly. So unfair, so unfair. I want to be a mom again. Jamie is the best dad ever. And Griffin, sweet little Griffin wants a baby in our house so badly.

So, our adoption is on hold and I am losing our baby. Our hope. I'm going to have a four sweet babies to meet when I get to heaven.


  1. I am SO sorry! My heart goes out to you...tears fall for you. You are always in my prayers.

  2. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I KNOW we will both beat this. And, will celebrate with a play date! :)

  3. OMG! I'm so sorry - I just got to read this today. I had no idea you were going through this again. I truly hope you never have another loss. You certainly deserve a keeper. Hugs and love - Katie

  4. Oh Heather.. our thoughts and prayers are with you.. I am soo sad to read this. I was overjoyed, shocked and sad all at the same time reading this..