Sitting on the Sidelines

I've talked a bit about this before, but something came up today that got me thinking more about it.  Through the adoption process, we've done just that, gone through the adoption process.  Jamie and I both like processes and rules....not to some crazy extreme, but in a good way (of course that's what I think!).  So following the process seems reasonable, smart, efficient and oh so comfortable.  After what we've been through I trust that something WILL work out for us.  I don't expect to ever understand why we lost so many babies, but I can understand that we've been brought to adoption for a reason.  I am thankful and grateful for the opportunity...on so many levels.

A friend, co-worker and mentor (literally) sent me this link today: http://gma.yahoo.com/video/parenting-26594265/2-kids-left-behind-at-2-different-chuck-e-cheese-s-28584304.html#crsl=%252Fvideo%252Fparenting-26594265%252Ffacebook-adoption-cuts-out-middle-man-28331225.html

It put me in the uncomfortable world of adoption outreach.  Doing more than just telling people we are a waiting family, but reaching out to people.  Maybe through social media, maybe through ads, maybe through flyers.  It makes me feel so vulnerable....being an open book to everyone seems scary to me.  What about the calls from women that are scams....leading us on to think they are pregnant, but really want money.  What about getting a "match" with someone that hasn't had any counseling, will she change her mind?  What about all of the people reading about our life that are just reading it to be nosy...GASP!  I really want to avoid drama and disappointments if we can.  We've had enough of both.

Then the same friend sent me a devotional.  The message was from 2 Corinthians 5:7 For we live by faith, not by sight.  Part of the devotional read, "If you live your life too safely, you will never know the thrill of Me working through you."

So I started thinking about getting out of my comfort zone.

On the way to pick up Griffin today I started daydreaming about adding more to our adoption website and sharing it publicly (right now it's only shared through LSS....nice and safe!  I thought about a Facebook page and You Tube video.  It all seems so time consuming, I'd rather be spending time with my boys, blogging, hanging out with friends, scrapbooking, this list could go on forever.  But, if it brings us to our baby, then it will be worth it.

So, I'm going to start pondering what outreach could look like for us, and at the same time keep praying that we get a call.  THE call.  Soon!

P.S. Jodi I loved your post about your calls.  So exciting, fun and inspirational!

A Change in Body Image

For years I have been frustrated and ANGRY with my body for not doing what it's "supposed" to do.  I always assumed that getting pregnant and carrying a baby was easy--almost too easy!  Then I got the curve ball, the two year wait to get pregnant with Griffin....but it happened and my pregnancy was perfect and he was perfect, so I assumed the struggle was over.  Then you know the story,  pregnancies were difficult to come by, two of them costing us about $30,000 in one year, and every pregnancy since Griffin resulted in a miscarriage.  My body failed me when I needed it most.  DESPERATE to have another baby, yet I couldn't rely on my body.  I did what the doctors told me--lightened up on my workouts, gave up caffeine, stabbed myself with shots, popped pills, but still complete failure.  I was left grieving, out of shape, and worst of all, with an empty belly.

Ann and Jordi's wedding came along and I started to take "control" of my body again.  Eating better, exercising, taking care of myself.  I talked to my doctor about my blood sugar, overall health and disappointment with my body....on so many levels.  I listened to what he told me.

This year I started setting new goals.  Goals that were for me, difficult in my eyes, but obtainable.  One involved running.  My workout buddy and I started to exercise together another day a week.  We worked harder than before.  I connected with friends that encouraged me. And, if you know me, you know that I am determined and competitive with myself, that worked in my favor.

In February I ran 5 miles by myself.  Soon after, my running buddy (do you like that name by the way?) and I ran 6 miles...on a snow covered trail....HARD WORK!

On Saturday I decided to go for a run.  It was beautiful out and I felt great.  I started thinking about how much I used to hate my body, but now I am amazed with what it can do.  I never imagined that I would be able to run 5 miles, let alone 6!  As I was running, I was getting choked up, I felt like the anger I had about my body was leaving me and instead of negative thoughts I was filled with positive thoughts--what I COULD do instead of what I COULDN'T do.  I called Jamie to let him know that I thought I would run farther than I expected, so not to worry if I wasn't home for a little while.  I turned around and headed for home, thankful for what I could do.  I got home to my very proud boys.  Jamie made me banana chocolate chip pancakes and a fried egg and told me to keep stretching.  He always takes good care of me.  I left to clock my route and was excited to see the distance increasing.....3.5, 3.7, 3.8.....4.5, 4.6, 4.7, 4.8!  4.8 miles...one way!  Astounded (and a little ticked I didn't get to 5 miles--you know me!), I ran a total of 9.6 miles.

It was a very liberating experience for me.  I had no idea I could do it.  My body didn't fail me, it kept going.  And, I felt great.  What a memorable day for me, a defining point in my healing process.

We celebrated with family coffee drinks (a hot chocolate for the little man).  I called my running buddy, she was so proud!  I called my mom, too.  She was so proud, too, and my dad gave me one of his classic comments that always crack me up....  My mom: Ron!  Heather ran 9.6 miles!  My dad: Tell her to quit that!
I love it! :)

 

A Visit to the Dentist

Every time I am at the dentist I am reminded that we have waited another six months for a baby, yet still don't have one.  I sit down in the chair and the questions start: Have your medications changed?  Are you currently pregnant?  Are you trying to get pregnant?  I usually give them a new list of medications (much easier now than when I was trying to get pregnant), today was easy since I've steered clear of fertility medications for a while and I no longer have to schedule the photos of my teeth during the two "safe" weeks of the month.  I am sure it was much easier on the hygienist, too, since I didn't get all teary eyed this visit.  I'm getting better at talking about our struggles to grow our family.  We talked about health, the weather and adoption.  She asked me lots of questions, not in a nosy sort of way, but a genuinely curious sort of way.  Then she asked if Griffin was "mine".  Between scrapings I responded, "Yes."  In my head I thought, "I wish she wouldn't say it like that.....our next baby, likely to be adopted, will be ours."  Just then, she said, "I'm sorry, you probably knew what I meant, I meant to ask if your son was biological."  Apparently hygienists are teeth scrapers AND mind readers, too.

The dentist came in and we talked about adoption, too.  Yes, do you get the idea that I tell everyone we come in contact with?  You never know who might be the connection to our future child!!  Then he told me about his brother that adopted through foster care, and that his daughter did IVF multiple times and it didn't work.  But, about a year later she got pregnant.  Some day we'll be the people that other people talk about.  The couple that couldn't have more kids, but now have more kids.  (I'll keep it plural because I think that's more fun.)

When I left the hygienist told me to bring in photos of our baby if we adopt before our next visit.  I walked back to work hoping that my next six month visit won't be another reminder of the time that's passed without the addition we've been praying for.  

Good for Us

I had our new cloth diaper on my hand (for the baby we don't have and don't know when we'll have....boy, that sounds crazy), and Jamie said, "This is good for us, Heather."  And he reminded me of the baby outfit that was hanging in his closet.

A few weeks ago I bought a baby gift for a friend.  I came home and showed Jamie the gifts and he asked if I bought anything for our baby.  I thought it was a funny question, and even more funny was that I actually had bought something.  I found a tiny little "Daddy's rock star" outfit on yellow dot (for those of you that know Herberger's!) and thought it would be fun to put it in Jamie's closet as hope of what's to come.  

I forgot all about that cute little outfit until Jamie reminded me of it today.  He told me he loves having it there.  Hopefully some day I'll be posting a photo on this blog of our baby in the outfit!

Our first Mud Butt.

I got to pick up our first Mud Butt diaper today....isn't it ADORABLE!?  I told Griffin he could put it on his buddy, Flopsie.  Then Griffin wanted to get out one of his old bottles and feed Flopsie. (Yes, we use flour as "formula"!)  He's going to be a fantastic big brother someday.

I was admiring the diaper tonight, thinking about how fun it will be to have our baby in it, and fear crossed my mind, what if we never have a baby?  I told myself to quit thinking that way, and just enjoy the moment.  So, I did!

Kudos to Carrie at Mud Butt Cloth Diapers for the design and great work!

Mandi...how cute will photos be in this diaper!?!