A Change in Body Image

For years I have been frustrated and ANGRY with my body for not doing what it's "supposed" to do.  I always assumed that getting pregnant and carrying a baby was easy--almost too easy!  Then I got the curve ball, the two year wait to get pregnant with Griffin....but it happened and my pregnancy was perfect and he was perfect, so I assumed the struggle was over.  Then you know the story,  pregnancies were difficult to come by, two of them costing us about $30,000 in one year, and every pregnancy since Griffin resulted in a miscarriage.  My body failed me when I needed it most.  DESPERATE to have another baby, yet I couldn't rely on my body.  I did what the doctors told me--lightened up on my workouts, gave up caffeine, stabbed myself with shots, popped pills, but still complete failure.  I was left grieving, out of shape, and worst of all, with an empty belly.

Ann and Jordi's wedding came along and I started to take "control" of my body again.  Eating better, exercising, taking care of myself.  I talked to my doctor about my blood sugar, overall health and disappointment with my body....on so many levels.  I listened to what he told me.

This year I started setting new goals.  Goals that were for me, difficult in my eyes, but obtainable.  One involved running.  My workout buddy and I started to exercise together another day a week.  We worked harder than before.  I connected with friends that encouraged me. And, if you know me, you know that I am determined and competitive with myself, that worked in my favor.

In February I ran 5 miles by myself.  Soon after, my running buddy (do you like that name by the way?) and I ran 6 miles...on a snow covered trail....HARD WORK!

On Saturday I decided to go for a run.  It was beautiful out and I felt great.  I started thinking about how much I used to hate my body, but now I am amazed with what it can do.  I never imagined that I would be able to run 5 miles, let alone 6!  As I was running, I was getting choked up, I felt like the anger I had about my body was leaving me and instead of negative thoughts I was filled with positive thoughts--what I COULD do instead of what I COULDN'T do.  I called Jamie to let him know that I thought I would run farther than I expected, so not to worry if I wasn't home for a little while.  I turned around and headed for home, thankful for what I could do.  I got home to my very proud boys.  Jamie made me banana chocolate chip pancakes and a fried egg and told me to keep stretching.  He always takes good care of me.  I left to clock my route and was excited to see the distance increasing.....3.5, 3.7, 3.8.....4.5, 4.6, 4.7, 4.8!  4.8 miles...one way!  Astounded (and a little ticked I didn't get to 5 miles--you know me!), I ran a total of 9.6 miles.

It was a very liberating experience for me.  I had no idea I could do it.  My body didn't fail me, it kept going.  And, I felt great.  What a memorable day for me, a defining point in my healing process.

We celebrated with family coffee drinks (a hot chocolate for the little man).  I called my running buddy, she was so proud!  I called my mom, too.  She was so proud, too, and my dad gave me one of his classic comments that always crack me up....  My mom: Ron!  Heather ran 9.6 miles!  My dad: Tell her to quit that!
I love it! :)

 

Heaven is for Real

Two weeks ago I was in Cub and passed by the section of books and one caught my eye, it had a yellow cover with a cute little blonde haired boy on it, he looked like he was close to Griffin's age. It's title was Heaven is for Real. On the cover it read, "A little boy's astounding story of his trip to heaven and back." I was tempted to buy it, but thought I better check it out from the library and save some cash. So, I made a mental note of it and finished my shopping.

The next day Jen came to pick me up for a day at Como Zoo with the kiddos. I hopped into her van and saw the same book sitting on the middle console. I picked up, about to tell her that I just saw it last night and wanted to read it, and she told me she brought it because she thought I'd like it. Weird, huh?

It was a great and quick read. I always believed in heaven and heard believable stories of people dying, visiting heaven and coming back to life, but this book really solidified it. One part really sang to me:

The little boy, Colton, went up to his mother and commented that he had two sisters. She corrected him, that he only had one. Then he corrected her, he also had the sister that died in his mommy's tummy. Colton's mom had a miscarriage before Colton was born that he never knew about. Wow. He went on to describer her and said that she was okay, and that God adopted her. His mom inquired about her name, and he said that she didn't have a name because their parents never named her. The miscarriage occurred in the first trimester, so they didn't know they were having a girl, so never named her.

I imagined that someday I would meet my 4 other children in heaven, but book made the concept seem much more real. We may not ever have the three children we hoped to raise here on earth, but we will sure have a big family once we get to heaven. We will have 4 kiddos to meet, and name. As wonderful as that moment will be, I'd like to stay planted here for quite a while and take good care of our little miracle here on earth.

Colton described heaven as very colorful, with lots of rainbows. Now when I see rainbows (and I have seen a lot lately thanks to our rainy summer weather!!), I think of heaven and the 4 children we have up there that are adopted by God, and are truly safe.

Post Appointment

I left the appointment in a blur, I hadn't eaten lunch, but wasn't hungry. I couldn't go back to work, I just couldn't. I wanted to celebrate my little guy's birthday with him, but he was still napping at daycare. So, I headed to the mall, tear stained face and all. Moving forward, healing. I shopped for a bit and stayed busy until I knew Griffin was awake. I picked up two chocolate shakes and headed on my way to our miracle. He had his swimsuit on and was ready to run through the sprinkler, he asked me to stay and watch him, but Mary said it would be a little while. So, we stopped by my parent's cabin and picked up their fun water ball. Griffin laughed his head off in the front yard while getting drenched. I took my medication.

We went over to my parents and celebrated our sweet little guy. He was so excited to have a balloon, a party, a cake and presents. He blew out his candles and we told him to make a wish. He wished for another nerf gun (I caved and bought him one and gave it to him when he woke up--don't worry there are plenty of rules with it!) We told him that since he had a nerf gun already, he might want to wish for something else. So, he wished that "Nonna and Poppa wouldn't go back to Florida." What a sweet boy. My parents had a super fun gift for him--a motorized 4 wheeler just his size. But, they wrapped up some other things and told him it was his present--socks, underwear, a swimsuit and a toothbrush. Griffin commented on everything and said thank you and then talked about the movie we were going to. No big deal that he got necessities for his birthday! My parents laughed. They showed him his real gift and he was thrilled! It even has a "Griffin" license plate on it. He's one lucky boy.

We all went to a movie, and laughed as we heard Griffin giggle. He's helping us all to heal.

The medication is working faster than I imagined, it was a tough night, but I know that there will be brighter days ahead. Right now I feel very little hope, I feel a bit lost and confused. But, I know someday hope will be restored.

Healing

At our last doctor's appointment, we knew there was very little hope. Our baby was behind in growth and the ultrasound tech could not detect a heartbeat. But, our doctor scheduled a follow up appointment just in case....he wasn't ready to do anything quite yet, and thought we should wait two weeks for my body to take care of things naturally. But, it didn't.

So, we headed back to the clinic and walked to the dreaded ultrasound room once again. I think I have had a dozen ultrasounds in the last year, I am a regular there. A dozen ultrasounds and no baby. I remember when I was pregnant with Griffin and couldn't wait for my next ultrasound. Now, I drive to my appointments wishing I had the courage to drive past the clinic and land up at some happy place. But, avoidance doesn't change the outcome, it only changes my need to have to face it.

Luckily, we had my favorite ultrasound tech. She struggled with infertility for years and has three children. She gives me hope and is absolutely one of the sweetest people I have encountered at the clinic.

We followed her to the room and I noticed her shirt, it was a pretty fitted scrub shirt, and had white embroidered words on it. My eyes focused on the word "heal". Yes, that is what I needed to do, heal. I saw the word hope and my eyes moved back to healing. It's too hard to have hope right now, I need to concentrate on healing first.

She talked through the ultrasound and told me to ask any questions I wanted. At first all I could do was cry. No flickering heartbeat. I wasn't expecting it, but was praying that some amazing miracle took place, but all along I knew what the reality was, the baby had passed away and my body was holding on to him or her for dear life. I started to ask questions and she answered them, supported us and comforted us. We didn't leave with images, we left empty handed. Nothing changed, but my body was still holding on.

We walked down the long hallway to the waiting room. I commented that if felt like the walk of shame. The poor tear stained couple that has walked this walk too many times empty handed, or with images of babies that didn't survive. In the waiting room I noticed a pregnant woman who saw us and diverted her eyes. It's not hard to figure out what our tears were from.

We sat in the waiting room and I reminded myself that we had support--Jamie was close--we had each other. I thought of the flowers on our table at home and remembered that we had people that cared in our lives and that would support us through this. It's part of the healing.

We met with our doctor. We had choices, I opted for the medication. We have no idea how long my body would hold on, and although I still wanted to hold on, I know that I need to heal. We talked about all sorts of things, and he decided to do some blood work.

So many decisions ahead, but for now, we need to focus on healing.

I left and I reflected on that exactly 4 years ago, 11 minutes before my ultrasound, our perfect miracle was born.

I needed to spend some time grieving, then had to help my little boy celebrate his 4th birthday. Our precious miracle that continues to give me hope.