The Things I Worry About

This process has involved a whole lot of worry on my part.  Which is not even remotely surprising since I am a super good worrier (not to brag or anything).

Here are the things I USED to worry about, but have (pretty much) gotten over:

• Money: How will we EVER afford fertility treatments, IVF, adoption, unpaid maternity leave, etc.  It all seems to work out some how.  (Yes, Jamie, I know I should have listened to you a long time ago about this one.)  We've gotten good at saving money and have been truly blessed with support in many ways.
• Being a good mom: Maybe God isn't giving me more children because I am not a good enough mom.  I sometimes yell, let Griffin watch "too much" TV, can be too "soft" and allow him to eat candy before breakfast (not regularly, don't worry).  But, I am a good mom. 
• I am being punished: For what I don't know.  Maybe I'm really being saved from something?  And, maybe we will be very blessed (which is what I am hoping for).
• I'll never have a healthy pregnancy again: I might, I might not, but either way I will be OK.  The real bummer is that I LOVE being pregnant (OK, less and less with my more recent pregnancies because I was scared of losing our babies) and I have a super fun stash of maternity clothes. 
• What will people think if they know we did the treatments?  I'm very open about this now and we've received a great amount of unsolicited support, we're very fortunate. 

Here are the things I still worry about:

• What if we never get picked? 
• What if someone doesn't want to pick us because we have a biological child and thinks that we will love him more than our adopted child (I assure you we will love them the same!!)?
• What if we don't get picked because I work?  I fear that birthmothers will want a mother that stays home.  
• I could go on and on about weird reasons I come up with, but will stop here!  Maybe in my next post I should focus on all the reasons I think we SHOULD get picked?  Wow, that sounds "braggy" and boring.  
• What if we have a disruption (get matched/placed with a baby and the birth mother/parents have a change of heart).  Gasp. 
• Griffin's little heart getting broken again. 
• Being a nervous wreck during match meetings and crying a lot.  OK, that's probably all likely. 
• What if I get pregnant again and the adoption has to be put on hold?  I know, ironic?! 

The things I have never really worried about:

• Our adopted child being accepted as our child by our friends and family.  We have super family and friends that couldn't be any more supportive than they already are.  Thank God! 
• Loving our adopted child.  I ALREADY love that sweet little baby and have no idea if he/she has even been conceived yet! 
• Having enough cute clothing for our baby.  I'm fully committed to shop as long as it takes to make sure that kiddo is dressed in style!  Kidding!  (Kinda.)

Saying too much?

I struggle with this one a lot.  We've been open about our infertility for quite some time now...I think about a year publicly?  Maybe two?  It's all a blur.  I'm not afraid to talk about it, but when I do, sometimes I feel like I open my mouth and don't stop.  I'm jsut that way, I'm an open book.  Want to know something about me?  Just ask.  I wonder....does it make people uncomfortable to hear our story?  Do people think I am weird?  Do they feel pity?  Are they tired of hearing about it?  Should I have been more vague?  Are they judging me for what we've been through and the decisions we've made?  I don't want to be weird--well, not TOO weird, a little weird is just fine.  I want people to like me, not pity me.  I want to quit beating myself up over if I am saying too much.  But, what I am going to do, take a poll after I talk to someone about it?

I WANT to raise awareness about the topic.  It's real.  It's serious.  It's really, seriously painful.  It feels lonely, scary, disappointing and helpless.  I WANT to help others.  I'd do anything to make others feel like they have someone to talk to, that there is HOPE.

What has talking about it done?  I've been connected to women I would have never known (some I haven't even met in person), that needed an ear or wanted advice or real first-hand information on procedures, drugs, loss.  It's brought really amazing people into my life.  It's shown me that people care. 

I HOPE that my openness has brought awareness to others.  Helped people to be more sensitive.  I hope that people think we're a nice couple making the best of a bad situation.  But, sometimes my insecurities take over and I wonder and worry about what people think of our openness, about our decisions, about us. 

Sometimes I need to remind myself that infertility is a life changing medical issue.  It's uncomfortable for some to hear about, but if I don't make and effort to talk about it and bring awareness, then I'm hiding from it.  It shouldn't be uncomfortable, and I hope that by sharing our story, it will put faces and names to infertility and miscarriages....making it less taboo to talk about and getting those that suffer from it the support they need.  So, I guess there I have it.  I'll keep talking and hope people will keep listening.  And, will only think I am a little weird. 

A Relief

One of the stressers that goes along with our family building process is daycare. We LOVE where Griffin goes to daycare. It's in a great home, the provider is well organized, teaches preschool, takes the children outside frequently, has a great schedule, limits TV time, is flexible and the kids take on responsibilities. It's great. I've always, and I mean always, been afraid that she won't have an infant opening when we have our next baby. I can't imagine having someone else care for our child while we are at work. And, I can't imagine Griffin going to a different daycare than his baby brother or sister. We've reserved a spot for baby #2 three times now (our 2nd miscarriage was early and we new from the beginning that the pregnancy would fail, so didn't reserve a spot that time).

Today I got an email from our daycare provider that an infant is starting in September.

It was followed by an email telling me that she informed the family that she has another family (US!) that is going through an adoption. If we were placed with a baby, they would need to find another daycare provider. Wow. What a huge weight off of our shoulders (OK, my shoulders, Jamie always had faith that it would work out). A true blessing. Our baby will be in the daycare we love, right along with his or her big brother.

Sigh. Of. Relief.