Making Plans

One of the things I've wanted to explore before having another baby is cloth diapers.  I've spoken with my friends that use them and they seem to love them, but I don't know much about them other than there have liners, cute covers and you do more laundry!  A new friend and adoptive parent recommended Mud Butt Cloth Diapers to me.  I was excited to see that the company was in our neighboring town and the owner has adopted two children through LSS!  I sent her an email explaining that we are on the LSS waiting list and she told me that she would be happy to get together so she can show me how they work, and to let me see them firsthand.  We set up a time to meet next week.

I started thinking that I was getting the cart before the horse.  We don't even have a match yet--not even anyone looking at our profile.  It's only been 4 weeks, I didn't expect a whirlwind adoption once we entered the book (although that would have been fun!).  So then the negative talk came in.  "What am I doing?  We aren't even matched.  We might not ever be chosen.  I shouldn't be looking at diapers and assuming that we'll get to have another child."  And, well, is just gets ugly from there.  It's true, we might not get chosen.  At some point we might have to decide that we are done trying and it's over.  The thought of it makes me so sad.

I worked out with a good friend one morning this week and mentioned my struggle to her.  She encouraged me to act as I would as an expecting mother.  It was good advice for me.  I don't know how long this "pregnancy" will be, but I have to keep my hope alive.  I feel like most of the time I speak positively about the adoption process, I use "when" instead of "if" frequently, but some days it's hard. 

I need to look at it this way--if we never get to have more children, I will be devastated regardless of if I enjoy this waiting period or dread it.  So, I might as well enjoy my time.  I can live my life anticipating disappointment, or I can live it anticipating joy.  I need to choose anticipating joy. It's a whole lot more fun to imagine holding a baby in our arms than it is to imagine having to let go of our dream.

So, right now I'll play the role of an expecting mother and learn more about cloth diapers next week.  It's hard to stay positive, thank goodness for the encouragement of good friends and family.

Jealous of a Belly.

Sometimes I get hit harder with the disappointment that we can't easily have children.  This happened the other day at the county fair.  Of course, I am THANKFUL that we are blessed with Griffin, but that doesn't mean that I can completely stop my feelings of wishing we had more children...it's something I've dreamed about my whole life--having kidS. 

We spent quite a bit of time in the Midway--Griffin's favorite place.  There are tons of rides and corn dogs, pretty much all he needs for pure bliss!  Of course there were lots of families there, families with 2, 3, 4 kids.  And that really didn't bother me.  It was one beautiful pregnant belly that bothered me.  And, I'm not really sure why that one bugged me, but it did.  She really looked like a nice person, someone I would be friends with.  And, there were other bellies, but they didn't bother me.  Maybe it was because she seemed a little like me, just an average gal.  Maybe it was because she was at the perfect cute belly stage.  Maybe it was because she wasn't flaunting it at all, it just looked so natural on her.  I looked over at Jamie and said, "Sometimes I just don't like pregnant people."  And Jamie said, "That's ok, God loves you anyway."  He's a hoot!

Soon after spotting the lady with her beautiful belly, I noticed a warning sign on a ride.  I couldn't help but take a photo.