And just like that....

We're #5.  Another family has a baby that they are lovin' up, and we're one step closer to getting in the book!

I made a few updates to our adotion profile pages and showed them for the first time "publicly" to a friend today.  She loved them.  No changes.  And, she said she'd pick us.  She said the pages show who we truly are, and since she's once of my "besties" she should know.  :)

I have to finish page #4, then there will be lots and lots of eyes on it for two reasons.  1) Just to make sure I didn't make some crazy mistakes.  2) Because it's good to get support, it's what has gotten us this far.

Hope.

Adoption Profile

I spent a big chunk of the day working on our adoption profile, it felt good to get a good start on it and I had a lot of fun.  (Fun once I figured out the software...there were a few sketchy moments.)  In the end, I felt like our profile would give a good, accurate, real glimpse of our life to potential birth parent.  I was tempted to add in some photos to show the real us, see below.  Don't worry, I left these out.

This is our pool table.  We don't play pool.  Pretty much never.  OK, when we host choir kids for church or have the occasional guy night maybe it gets used.  I used it the other day to sort socks.  It was necessary to have a giant spot for this daunting task because we had a huge laundry basket full to the top with socks.  Seriously.  It was one of those deals where we'd just grab the socks we needed for the day and kept adding to the basket.  Not cool.  Jamie is GREAT at doing laundry.  He hates matching up socks.  So do I.  Anyway, I got the socks matched up and here are the leftovers.  A week later, or was it two weeks?  I can't believe I can write this much about mismatched socks.  Anyway, this would be a nice addition to our profile, no?

This is our garden.  There are two basil plants and some walking onions in there.  Somewhere.  We tilled (ok, Jamie tilled) it up this year so that we could plant tomatoes, peppers and herbs.  But, it was a cool spring, then we got busy.  And, you know what?  We love the RESULTS of a garden, but we don't like TO garden.  Oh, and yes that's a soccer goal by the garden.  You never know when you'll want to play soccer.  The reason it's there is that we "only" have a 3 car garage.  And we have 2 vehicles, but one has to be parked outside.  Want to know why?  We seriously have way too many blow up giant things for the lake.  No lie.  A huge ball to crawl in, a ginormous slide and other treasures.  Treasures that are apparently worth parking outside for. 

In our defense, here are some of the delicious veggies in our crisper.  We signed up for a CSA this year instead of gardening.  Smart, smart move.  Thanks, Wendy, for the idea!  We get farm fresh eggs and all sorts of amazing produce. 

So, I'll leave these out of the profile.  But, if we have a meeting with a potential birthmother that asks if I like to garden, I'm telling her the truth!  

Saying too much?

I struggle with this one a lot.  We've been open about our infertility for quite some time now...I think about a year publicly?  Maybe two?  It's all a blur.  I'm not afraid to talk about it, but when I do, sometimes I feel like I open my mouth and don't stop.  I'm jsut that way, I'm an open book.  Want to know something about me?  Just ask.  I wonder....does it make people uncomfortable to hear our story?  Do people think I am weird?  Do they feel pity?  Are they tired of hearing about it?  Should I have been more vague?  Are they judging me for what we've been through and the decisions we've made?  I don't want to be weird--well, not TOO weird, a little weird is just fine.  I want people to like me, not pity me.  I want to quit beating myself up over if I am saying too much.  But, what I am going to do, take a poll after I talk to someone about it?

I WANT to raise awareness about the topic.  It's real.  It's serious.  It's really, seriously painful.  It feels lonely, scary, disappointing and helpless.  I WANT to help others.  I'd do anything to make others feel like they have someone to talk to, that there is HOPE.

What has talking about it done?  I've been connected to women I would have never known (some I haven't even met in person), that needed an ear or wanted advice or real first-hand information on procedures, drugs, loss.  It's brought really amazing people into my life.  It's shown me that people care. 

I HOPE that my openness has brought awareness to others.  Helped people to be more sensitive.  I hope that people think we're a nice couple making the best of a bad situation.  But, sometimes my insecurities take over and I wonder and worry about what people think of our openness, about our decisions, about us. 

Sometimes I need to remind myself that infertility is a life changing medical issue.  It's uncomfortable for some to hear about, but if I don't make and effort to talk about it and bring awareness, then I'm hiding from it.  It shouldn't be uncomfortable, and I hope that by sharing our story, it will put faces and names to infertility and miscarriages....making it less taboo to talk about and getting those that suffer from it the support they need.  So, I guess there I have it.  I'll keep talking and hope people will keep listening.  And, will only think I am a little weird. 

My Love-Hate Relationship with Facebook.

I love Facebook.  I am a people person.  I am the kind of gal that wonders what such-and-such person that I used to work/go to school with, etc. is doing.  It's connected me to old friends. (Happyfull :) ) It's connected me to people I have never met that are struggling with infertility.  At dark times when I had a hard time being social because of grief and loss, I could be social through Facebook. 

I also hate Facebook.  I hate that it starts gossip.  I hate it when people are trying to one up another.  I hate it when people are all about themselves.  I hate breast cancer awareness games when I feel like if you want to raise breast cancer awareness, you should post that you recommend getting a mammogram in your post, not that you are 6 weeks and are craving a Twix!  And, this is why: http://cgwardphotography.blogspot.com/2011/08/regarding-facebook-breast-cancer.html?spref=fb
I can handle it.  Over the years that we have battled with infertility, I've embraced and celebrated my friends having babies.  With true happiness.  But, I have also felt the pain.  The pain of empty arms when I want nothing more than to care for more children.  Our children.  So, to have a game made out of what appears to be pregnancy and pregnancy cravings is not funny to me.  Not one bit.  It gives me a twinge of pain, but I know for others it's much more painful.  Call me sensitive.  Call me whatever you want.  But, walk a year in my shoes and I guarantee you'll be sensitive about it, too.

Going through this has made me sensitive to other issues, too.  And, although I'm not going to pretend to understand others feelings all the time, I try.  I really, truly try. 

Less Organized

The other day I was doing a few things around the house and thought "urrrrgh" every time I turned the corner.  I opened the junk drawer--so disorganized I had a hard time shutting it.  I went in the laundry room--what happened to that great sorting method I developed where each of us had our own basket?  Toys.  Holy cow, they are all over, not in their nice little organized bins and cubes.  Huh.  Oh yeah.  Every month when we were trying to get pregnant and we didn't succeed, I'd organize.  It was my way of controlling one little bit of our spinning-out-of-control-life.  With adoption, there is so much up in the air, nothing is predictable and every story is different.  Right now there isn't a lot of disappointment, so my expectations have changed.  I still have hope, but time lines have disappeared.  Am I disappointed that our family hasn't grown yet?  You betcha.  Do I feel the need to control something, even a junk drawer, to cope?  Nope.  So, here's where we are at, a junk drawer that's full of displaced junk and may be forever.  (And, if you don't think this looks so bad, keep in mind that the scissors aren't in the scissors container and the highlighters are mixed in with the pens.  GASP!)

Yes, this is in our LIVING ROOM!  The toys are overflowing, and you know what?  I don't care. 

I'm busy enjoying life.