Sunday, April 15, 2012

Wishing Things were Easier

It's April 15th and I am pulling together our information for our taxes.  Yes, I know, ridiculous.  I work at a CPA firm.  My husband printed his W-2s months ago.  But here I am at the last minute trying to pull everything together.  We have a cubby for tax info, the only problem is a bunch of other paperwork has been shoved in it. That's because we've been busy.  Busy trying to raise a child, keep up at work, maintain relationships and of course, spend countless hours trying to grow our family.  Filling out paperwork, going to meetings, reading books, updating our website, promoting ourselves (gross), and blogging so that I stay sane through the process.  I decided that the best thing to do would be to go through the paperwork rather than let it keep piling up.  So, I started sorting, recycling and shredding.  There were lots and lots of medical bills.  Lots of medical bills for three healthy people.  I kept reading the dates to make sure we saved all the 2011 bills in case we were ever audited (they year of our IVF expenses).  I noticed the items on the bills "first trimester appointment", "thyroid testing", "sperm analysis" (sorry if that embarrasses you Jamie).  The weight of the last few years kept piling up.  We've been through so much.  So much that I feel like things should be easy now, but they aren't.  We're still waiting and hoping and processing.  

I sat in church today and looked around at all the young families, so many have grown over the last few years.  Ours hasn't.  There was a very pregnant woman with a pew full of beautiful children, some of which she was yelling at, at least as much as you can yell in church.  And I thought to myself that I hope she realizes how blessed she is.  As I looked through the church I also spotted three women that I know that are going through painful divorces.  Yes, I have a lot to be thankful for.  And, the nice young man that always comes to church alone or with his grandma.  I'm assuming, but I think he'd like to meet a special someone.   Maybe they are looking at me with my husband's arm around me and our beautiful healthy boy thinking, "I wonder if she realizes how blessed she is?"

I brought the pile of paperwork upstairs to shred and filled up the bin.  I emptied it and brought it back upstairs and started it up again.  Within minutes it stopped.  The new $60 shredder just went kuput on me.  Seriously?  

It's one of those days where things just don't feel like they are going my way.  I just want things to be easier.  I want the dream of getting the random afternoon call that a baby was born and is waiting for us to parent him or her.  Or better yet, twins!  

But what we've found is that adoption isn't easy.  It's hard, for everyone involved.  There's grief and loss and sorrow and disappointment and trials and stress and drama.  Real drama, not high school drama.  Lives, we're dealing with the life of a child and the life of a mother and father that won't get to see the child grow up first hand.  And, there will be joy and happiness and dreams coming true and giggles and hearing "Ma Ma" least I think there will be.  I just didn't think it was going to take so long, hurt so much and be so exhausting.  

So there it is folks, the ranting of a waiting adoptive mother that wishes life could be easier.  It would be easier if having more children wasn't on my heart or if I could carry babies like most of my friends can, but those things aren't going to happen.  So, I'll keep trudging forward and keep praying that the right baby joins our family.  Soon, please.


  1. God is growing your family's foundation with support and resources and new friends to help you be the very best mama (and family) to most likely a very special situation that your family will be able to deal with and love and nurture like no other family would.

  2. So, even though it doesn't seem like it, your family has probably grown more already than you have ever even imagined it could. Funny, how God leads us to step out of our comfort zones....