Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Don't you see? I've left the race.

The other day the baby questions started early, like 5:55 a.m. early.  By 6:55 a.m. I was getting baby question #2.  I really don't mind the baby questions.  I'm glad people are interested, or at least pretending to be interested.  It makes the wait seem so much more real, like I truly am an expecting mom. 

After the interrogator from the 6:55 a.m. baby discussion left the room, my good friend looked at me and asked, "How do you do it??"  I told her the truth, it really doesn't bother me anymore.  After all, we've put our feelings right out there on our sleeves, so we have to expect that people will ask.  And, I enjoy educating people about the adoption process, so it's OK. 

The part of the 6:55 a.m. discussion that I didn't appreciate was this: Interrogator, "I guess it's a race between you and X to see who has a baby first."  X is trying to get pregnant, and maybe is.  But really, it's not our business until she wants it to be. 

A race?

See folks, I am out of the race.  I gave that up a long time ago.  Did I WANT my children to be closer in age?  You betcha.  Would I have loved to have a baby at the same time as my good friend Kelly so we'd have two kids the same age?  Yep.  Do I wish I was on baby #3 right now, not holding onto hope that we will at least have one more child.  Of course.  But that didn't happen, I lived in the race and it sucked. Mentally, physically, emotionally sucked.

You know what?  I learned it's not a race.  I don't care how close my kids are in age anymore.  I don't think about what grade Griffin will be in when our next child starts school.  I don't think about so and so "beating me" because they have three kids and we likely never will.  I don't worry about the trivial things that used to consume my thoughts. 

The race kept going and I exited.  I pulled out on the sidelines and decided that I'd run a different course.  A course that has pretty scenery, but tough hills.  It's a lot longer than the other course, but it's made me a better person, a better mom, a better lover of life.  So, I'll continue on this course until I get to the end.  But I won't race to the end, I'll take whatever time I need to get there.

So people, please don't put me back in the race.  That's not a place I want to be anymore because losing hurts.  I'll just continue to do my own thing, and you know what, I'll be happy doing it.

1 comment:

  1. I cried as I read this, tears of relief. I too gave up the race a long time ago. Our journey is about us and nobody else. When we started trying for our first baby, I had no idea it would take us almost 7 years to get here. I'm hopeful for you and continue to pray for your family as you do your own thing and love the life that you have. I've learned that it really is easier that way. Stay happy, even on the tough days!