Grief is an ugly thing. And, it seems like I know so many people working through grief right now--all different types of ugly grief. The loss of things not "working out", period.
I don't know what hit me today, but I was, and am, literally overcome with grief. It's part of the process, right? I don't like the process. I want to be me again. The Polly Anna, half glass full (ok, overflowing) gal that I used to be. I feel like I have been robbed of that. But, I don't know who robbed me.
I went to work and don't know what triggered it, I couldn't stop crying. Ok, I stopped when someone needed to talk to me, I don't even think people knew I was crying. I got work done, talked to people, finished some projects, left messages, but between it all I was crying. I left for lunch and thought I'd feel better, ya know, buck up. But, I kept crying. So, I drove home. And cried. Then I cried some more and cried on the phone with Jamie and cried on the phone with a good friend. I felt hopeless, that our dreams would never come true. And, our dreams don't even seem so outlandish, we just want what people do everyday, to grow our family. Maybe we should give up. Maybe all of this is a sign, a sign that we shouldn't have more kids. But, why do we both have the desire to be a mom and dad to more kids? Why do we want our son to have a sibling or two and why do we want our parents to be blessed with more grand kids? These are all good, happy thoughts, but we can't seem to make the thoughts come to fruition.
So, I'm stuck with these ugly feelings of grief and want them to go away, but I know they never will. They'll fade a bit, not hurt so much, but they will always be there. Part of me will always mourn the 4 little ones that I never got to meet, got to hold, got to know what they looked like.
I'll take the grief head on, even though I don't want to. I need to accept and deal with my feelings so that I can be a better mother, wife, daughter, friend and employee. So, accept and deal, I will. And, pray for much happier days ahead. Happy days with more pitter patter of little feet. It's what I want, but today, am not sure I will ever have.