How being a bridesmaid helped my struggle with infertility.

In the summer of 2010, Jamie and I left the Center for Reproductive Medicine after signing a contract for the Attain IVF plan and writing our a big, fat check.  I headed to a nice rooftop bar to have a drink with my good (and beautiful) friend, Ann.  She showed me her incredible, gorgeous engagement ring and shared wedding plans and ideas with me (after, of course, listening to me recount every detail of our meeting at the IVF clinic).  We were drinking delicious mojitos, but that's beside the point.  I knew Ann and Jordi were planning a small wedding, so I was very pleasantly shocked and honored to be asked to be a bridesmaid in the wedding.  At the time they were planning to be married in Spain, so I sent Jamie a text telling him we were jetting off to Spain next summer/fall....he assured me that we'd make it work!  I had visions of me attending their wedding with baby in tote, or at the very least, a big baby belly.

I think you all know how that turned out.  Our year was tough, painful and full of loss and disappointment.  After a year of doing everything we could to grow our family and failing miserably, I hardly felt like myself.  I felt defeated and washed up. 

Ann and Jordi's wedding plans were underway, and it was a joy to be part of it, something bigger than ourselves--to see their love for each other and their excitement to continue their life together as husband and wife was truly inspirational.  It was so refreshing to see dreams come true.  I'm a believer in happily ever after, and even though it felt like our happily ever after was on hold, it was SO good to see it come alive for one of my dearest friends.

I bought a dress for the wedding in February, about a month after we had our 3rd miscarriage (all of the bridesmaids could pick out our own dresses in any shade of purple--I LOVED that!).  It was kinda tight.  I gained 10 pounds during our IVF process and the miscarriages that followed, so I figured I'd soon lose the weight.   

We went to a fun family shower for Ann and Jordi.  A little over a month before the shower I found out I was just over 5 weeks pregnant.  I planned to tell Ann when we were trying on our dresses that I'd be getting a maternity dress instead.  But, I miscarried shortly before the shower.  I tried on the dress I bought in February that I now planned to wear again....it was still tight. 

Ann and Jordi made a wedding website.  Ann wrote about each of her bridesmaids, I read her description of everyone and read mine last.  I cried happy tears, her words were so sweet, I couldn't believe the person she was writing about was me!  She put so much heart into writing about each of her family members and friends, and I know it wasn't just for her, it was for us.  Ann reminded me of who I truly was, not the infertile, washed up failure I felt like.

We had a bachelorette party.  We hung out just like good old times.  I felt like myself.  For those of you that don't know, I'm kinda an entertainer at heart.

But, the dress was still tight.  By example, Ann and her sister, Kris, inspired me to take better care of myself.  5 weeks later, I tried on my dress thinking it would fit perfectly and it was too big.  After a slight freak out session, I called a friend and co-worker who saved the day and took in my dress.  I did it, the one last thing that seemed unconquerable after our struggles was the weight.  And now the IVF weight was finally gone.

The wedding came and I felt great.  I had energy, fit in my dress and best of all, I was able to see my dear friend, Ann, have her dream come true.  She married her true love.  She held on to the happily ever after, and got it.

Ann and Jordi put an amazing amount of thought into their wedding, and the events surrounding it.  They made all of their guests feel welcome, appreciated and special.  We soaked it up.

I put on my dress the day of the wedding and momentarily thought about how I was expecting to be a little over 5 months pregnant at their wedding.  And, I told myself I was OK, and I truly meant it.

 When I was handed my cute little tin that represented fertility for Ann and Jordi, I said extra prayers. 

I listened to the vows that Ann and Jordi wrote and tears filled my eyes.  I felt so blessed to be able to stand up for them and support them in their commitment.  And, I felt so blessed to see my husband looking over at me during the wedding...I know he was thinking just what I was--that Ann and Jordi have an amazing love for each other just like we do.

Jamie and I had an amazing trip, we met so many wonderful people--family and friends of Ann and Jordi--were able to "recharge our batteries" and revisit the good we have in life.  It's so good to feel like me again.

Thank you, Ann and Jordi!

Home Study Written Up!

We got an email today from our social worker that our home study was written up, so we just needed to read through it, make corrections, and it would be sent in.  I just took a peek at it and I was a little surprised...it's pretty much a 15 page history of our life.  It's actually quite interesting to read (but maybe that's just because it's about OUR life!) She even wrote about how we met, and I appreciate that she commented that it wasn't my general practice to give my phone number to men that I met in bars!  It's going to be fun to read, and I want to enjoy it with Jamie, so I'll hold off until he's around so we can read through it together. I have a feeling it will make us laugh, and cry! 

I can't believe I am saying this, and might take it back if we don't get matched for a long time, but for now I can't believe how fast it's going!  There have been so many positive steps along the way.  Feelings of success, hope, excitement and progress....completely the opposite of our infertility journey.  I'm keeping the hope alive that we'll end up with another precious little addition to our family someday.  Can't wait, but I will!

Take that, Profile!

I worked my butt off on our profile last weekend and sent it to some of my peeps to proof it.  I have quite a few edits and updates to make.  On Sunday I woke up exhausted....late nights working on the profile and late nights working on work got the best of me.  I felt like I should finish updating our profile and send it off to our social worker.  But, I don't always like to do the things I should.  So, I revised my should for the day.  I should enjoy the real deal, the people in the profile.....live the profile.  So, that's what I did, and I am glad I did!

We packed a picnic lunch and headed into the local small town and ate by the damn.  It's pretty there and we fed the bullheads our leftover watermelon.  (What a random sentence!)  Then we devoured some yummy frozen treats.  And, we lived the profile.  It still needs to be updated, but I guarantee that some day I'll get it done!

 G explaining to me how a damn operates, coupled with lots of hand motions.  I love this kid!

Confusion at the Castle

We went to "the castle" for my mom's birthday dinner.  Griffin wore a tie.  So cute.  It lasted about 15 minutes.  But, boy was he proud those 15 minutes! 

An elderly couple that was sitting close by started chatting with us.  We quickly discovered that the woman had some short term memory loss.  She asked Griffin's name and age many times, and always followed by answers with "4 is such a fun age, isn't it?"  She also asked me if I "just had one?"  As you all know, that makes my top 10 list of lease favorite questions.  I smiled politely and said yes.  At least I think I think I smiled politely.  Then she asked my mom how many grandchildren she had.  My mom responded with, "One, but we are going to have more!"  So, I chimed in that we were in the process of adopting a baby.  (Which sometimes feels a little deceptive since we aren't even matched, but we are in the process, right?) Anyway, the couple thought that was great and asked us where we were adopting from and all of that good stuff.  (My response, "Minnesota" seems to shock everyone.)

Later on the woman commented that Griffin looked so much like me.  Her husband hit her arm and said, "Honey, he's adopted!"  I chimed in that Griffin wasn't adopted, but our next baby will be.

Apparently we'll be one of those families that may confuse others.  That's OK, it will all make perfect sense to us.

Maybe we'll just settle for a pickup truck?

Griffin and I were on our way to his friend's house this morning and he spotted a pick up truck that was for sale in a parking lot near our home. 
G: "Mom!  Look at that pickup truck!  I think it's there because it's for sale!"
H: "You're right Bud, it looks like it's for sale."
G: "Mom, can we buy it?"
H: "Sorry, Bud, we're saving our money for something special, remember?  Do you remember what we are saving for?"
G: "Yes, a baby."
H: "Yep, and adopting a baby is WAAAAAY better than a pickup truck."
Pause
G: "I think a pickup truck would be much better."
H: Laughing.
G: "I guess I want a pickup truck AND a baby!"