Remembering

The Saturday before we found out that our baby was no longer living, my good friend Mandi (who owns Amanda Rae Photography) came to take belly photos of me.  It was such a special time for us, finally being pregnant and making it past the 12 week mark for the first time in two years.  I wanted photos along the way, and had a very large belly due to OHSS from the IVF medications, so my belly was showing early.  I thought it would be fun to surprise Jamie with photos on his birthday.  After we lost the baby I couldn't bring myself to print the photos.  One day they showed up in the mail thanks to Mandi.  She knew I wanted them, but just couldn't do it myself.  I didn't have to say a word to her, she just knew.

Soon after my D & C, a good friend who had experienced a similar loss herself sent me the book Naming the Child.  It's a helpful book about coping with the loss of a baby through miscarriage, still birth and in the first year (I CANNOT even imagine and don't want to!).  The book suggested that if you know your baby was not going to live to birth, to take photos of your belly, that may be one of the only memories you can physically keep.  What a blessing that Mandi came out before we knew the result of this pregnancy!  I assure you it would have been tough to take photos right after hearing the news.  (My doctor is a family friend and was able to schedule my D & C early the next morning. 

When Mandi came to take the photos, I remember being surprised that my belly seemed to be smaller than in the previous days.  I soon understood why. 

I love this one because it's so sweet and innocent, like he's saying a prayer over our baby.

Family Photos--Update

We've had a whirlwind of a week....Jamie and I took an amazing trip to California to see one of my dearest friends get married.  We had a great time meeting new people, catching up with old friends and just being "ourselves" for a few days...ya know, the people we are when there isn't an ounce of stress in life!  The wedding was absolutely incredible--words can't describe it--I'll post some photos later. 

I got home to a great present...these fabulous photos from Judd Sather.  (See my previous post about family photos here.)  He did a great job capturing Griffin's personality, the affection between me and JT and "us".  The three of us as we wait to adopt.

Family Photos

I know someone that had family photos taken, and a few days later one of the family members was killed.  Those photos are cherished now, and send a reminder to me to capture moments in time whenever I can.  (Yep, that's why I have a camera glued to my face!)

However, there was a time that taking family photos was hard for me.  I remember my good friend and photographer Mandi from amanda rae photography (by the way look at the cutie on the far left of her website) came to take our photos.  She got done and I bawled.  Bawled because there were 3 of us in the photo and there should have been 4.  And, I don't mean "should have been" like I wish there would have been, I mean "should have been" as in we had a miscarriage and the baby that would have been born wasn't there.  I felt like someone was missing. 

I can look back at family photos and tag them with something...."that one was taken the day before I found out I was pregnant, only to miscarry 3 weeks later"....."that one was taken just as we started IVF....the IVF that ended in an early miscarriage". 

Yesterday we visited an old friend and checked out his new, amazing photography studio.  He took our photos.  The three of us.  And, he took some of Jamie and me.  Just the two of us, stronger than before.  The photos Judd took will be our "those were taken as we waited for our adoption" photos.  And, for the first time in a long time, they won't be photos of what was missing, but what will be.  They aren't photos of me feeling empty, with no life growing in me.  They will be photos of us, a family, a team, the three of us that have so much to look forward to.  

After we got done with photos, Jamie, Griffin and Judd were singing and playing the guitar (yes, Judd has the loft set up for a band!) and another photographer walked in.  His sister and brother-in-law followed.  She had a big swollen belly, I figured she was coming in for maternity photos. 

You know what?  I wasn't jealous.  I didn't think about how she "wrecked" my day.  I didn't even think, "She's so lucky, I hope she realizes it".  I thought she was coming in to take photos of her belly, that's it.  I sat there in my dress and heels and reflected on that....I was happy where I am.  I feel healthy and fit again.  I don't feel empty.  My empty feelings have changed to a fullness of hope.....full of a growing baby that isn't growing physically in me, but is mentally.  I don't understand why we've been brought on this road, but it's  our road and we're making the absolute best of it.

By the way, the woman was coming in to have her 1 week old baby's photos taken.  He was adorable.  We talked about babies.  We told her we applied for adoption.  It's so fun to share our news....kinda like being pregnant, but different.  It's like opening up that we've struggled, but we aren't giving up. 

And, someday, I'll be the woman with the one week old baby getting his/her photos taken.  I have a feeling I'll be crying the whole time, crying happy tears. 
  

Family Photos

Those of you that know me know that I take gobs and gobs of photos, I scrapbook them, blog them and print them in excess. So, I feel like we have what we need to show potential birth parents who we are and what we are about. But, we didn't have a recent (in the last 9 months) family photo that was a close up and would work for the main photo that will be featured on LSS's website. My good friend, Mandi, came out yesterday to take a close up of us to use for the profile. Thanks, Mandi and Spencer, you two are awesome!!!