A Little Hope Along the Way

We were recently at a wedding and struck up a conversation with the couple, complete strangers, sitting next to us.  They had the college aged son with them.  We chatted a bit and it came up that we were a waiting adoptive family.  I'm not really surprised that it came up since I usually fit it into every conversation I can.  You just never know.  Anyway, that nice college aged son they had with him, they adopted him.  Through LSS.  How do you like them apples!?

The Post Interview Wait

From my previous post, you know that we felt really good about our interview with WCCO. John and David made us feel really comfortable and it felt therapeutic to share our story.  We both felt in our hearts that it was the right thing to do, maybe it would speak to someone that needed to hear about another family that were making the best of a tough situation.

We thought the interview would play the weekend after it was recorded, and knew that they would call us when they knew it would air.  It didn't play that weekend, but the following Wednesday Jamie received a text from John telling us that it would air on Friday night at 10:00 p.m. WE found out at the perfect time, we were on our way to a family bridal shower so when people asked about when it would air, we could actually tell them!

Friday was interesting, it's definitely hard to focus when you know you are going to be on TV that evening.  I ran into quite a few people, received quite a few Facebook posts and received lots of emails from people that saw the promotional "ad" on WCCO.  I gathered as much info as I could about it so I could be prepared!  People claimed it sounded good, so I did my best to believe them!  And, you know lots of your friends and family will be watching. And, you have no idea what parts of the one hour interview will air. What will the spin on the story be?  More than anything, I just wanted it to be genuine, just us sharing our struggles and our hope. It's so very personal, yet we felt compelled to share it.

When I felt nervous, I reminded myself of the other hopeful adoptive parents that wish they had an opportunity like this.  It's really such a blessing.

The Interview

The house was clean, and the coffee was on.  All we had to do was tell our story.  The reporter (John) and cameraman (David) showed up and we were playing bocce ball in the front yard.  They were going to film us doing that, I am thankful that Griffin wanted to play on the swingset.  Could you imagine seeing us on the news playing bocce ball??  Talk about looking like dorks!  :)  They filmed us playing.  They made us feel comfortable.  Griffin was great, his smile lit up as we gave him underdogs.  John and David raved about our lot--it is truly beautiful and today it was especially beautiful with the sun glistening on the lake.
We went inside and were interviewed on our red couch, one of my favorite places in our home.  We told our story.  I was reminded of how tough the journey was, but what it did for us.  We have grown closer, we're a team, even when we disagree.  We've learned to grieve with each other, we shared the same pain, and we worked through it together.  We appreciate our miracle.  We want to grow our family, together, in a unique way. 
I got a little choked up when I talked about our babies that I never got to meet.  But, I did OK.  I felt strong.  It felt right, sharing our story with a total stranger so that it could be on television.  I prefer being under the radar, but this felt right.  John was so genuine and caring.  He felt bad asking the tough questions, but I was glad he asked them.  The tough questions are the ones that help us tell our story.
Griffin showed them his new room, the room he will move into when the baby arrives.  He showed them photos of his cousins, his books, his bad.  It was so cute to see him give a tour of his big boy, big brother bedroom.  We looked at each other and I know we were thinking the same thing.  We are so proud. 
I was interviewed while I was on Facebook.  I showed them our site and talked about the support we've received. 
Typically after an interview or conversation, I mull it over and think, "I wish I said this" or "I shouldn't have said this."  I'm not really doing that (much) this time.  Maybe it's because only 60 seconds will be on TV and I can't control what is chosen to play.  Or, maybe it's because I'm just thankful my living room was clean.  Wouldn't you be?

Jamie and I talked this afternoon, this interview was therapeutic for us.  Sharing our story and hoping that it helps others. 

Someone is splicing and piecing together our interview right now.  Crazy. 

I feel so uplifted, like maybe our difficult journey can help someone else.  And, it makes it all seem worth it.

Here's a photo that our little man took of us today:

Where are we at?

We're waiting.  I've heard from one adoptive mother that the waiting never ends.  :)  The expecting mother that we met with called LSS and will be completing paperwork (LOTS) and meeting with a social worker.  What then?  We'll most likely be looking at the paperwork and meeting with her again.  But, as we know, everything can change.  Quickly.  So, we are patiently waiting (that's the truth, not sarcasm) for the next steps and are trusting that the right baby will join our family, one way or another. 

How can you help during this time?  Pray that the right baby joins our family.  And, if you are really want to step up to the plate, pray for peace and strength for us, other adoptive families and expecting parents that are making difficult decisions.  

Wishing Things were Easier

It's April 15th and I am pulling together our information for our taxes.  Yes, I know, ridiculous.  I work at a CPA firm.  My husband printed his W-2s months ago.  But here I am at the last minute trying to pull everything together.  We have a cubby for tax info, the only problem is a bunch of other paperwork has been shoved in it. That's because we've been busy.  Busy trying to raise a child, keep up at work, maintain relationships and of course, spend countless hours trying to grow our family.  Filling out paperwork, going to meetings, reading books, updating our website, promoting ourselves (gross), and blogging so that I stay sane through the process.  I decided that the best thing to do would be to go through the paperwork rather than let it keep piling up.  So, I started sorting, recycling and shredding.  There were lots and lots of medical bills.  Lots of medical bills for three healthy people.  I kept reading the dates to make sure we saved all the 2011 bills in case we were ever audited (they year of our IVF expenses).  I noticed the items on the bills "first trimester appointment", "thyroid testing", "sperm analysis" (sorry if that embarrasses you Jamie).  The weight of the last few years kept piling up.  We've been through so much.  So much that I feel like things should be easy now, but they aren't.  We're still waiting and hoping and processing.  

I sat in church today and looked around at all the young families, so many have grown over the last few years.  Ours hasn't.  There was a very pregnant woman with a pew full of beautiful children, some of which she was yelling at, at least as much as you can yell in church.  And I thought to myself that I hope she realizes how blessed she is.  As I looked through the church I also spotted three women that I know that are going through painful divorces.  Yes, I have a lot to be thankful for.  And, the nice young man that always comes to church alone or with his grandma.  I'm assuming, but I think he'd like to meet a special someone.   Maybe they are looking at me with my husband's arm around me and our beautiful healthy boy thinking, "I wonder if she realizes how blessed she is?"

I brought the pile of paperwork upstairs to shred and filled up the bin.  I emptied it and brought it back upstairs and started it up again.  Within minutes it stopped.  The new $60 shredder just went kuput on me.  Seriously?  

It's one of those days where things just don't feel like they are going my way.  I just want things to be easier.  I want the dream of getting the random afternoon call that a baby was born and is waiting for us to parent him or her.  Or better yet, twins!  

But what we've found is that adoption isn't easy.  It's hard, for everyone involved.  There's grief and loss and sorrow and disappointment and trials and stress and drama.  Real drama, not high school drama.  Lives, we're dealing with the life of a child and the life of a mother and father that won't get to see the child grow up first hand.  And, there will be joy and happiness and dreams coming true and giggles and hearing "Ma Ma" again....at least I think there will be.  I just didn't think it was going to take so long, hurt so much and be so exhausting.  

So there it is folks, the ranting of a waiting adoptive mother that wishes life could be easier.  It would be easier if having more children wasn't on my heart or if I could carry babies like most of my friends can, but those things aren't going to happen.  So, I'll keep trudging forward and keep praying that the right baby joins our family.  Soon, please.

Outreach

Our outreach efforts have truly given us so much hope.  We're very inspired by the support we've received and are thankful to have friends and family helping us to spread the word.  I know some people have truly gone out of their comfort zone to help us share our story.

Within one week, our Facebook page received 184 likes and was shared by at least 30 people.  (https://www.facebook.com/#!/ThompsonFamilyAdoption) I wish that if you liked the post I made, it automatically liked our Facebook adoption page, too, because I noticed some people liked my post, but not our page.  Oh well!  The important thing is getting the word out!!  Our adoption website has had over 200 new hits. It's encouraging to think that more people are aware of our desire to adopt, and will hopefully mention us if they know of someone considering adoption for their child.

We've received emails and posts from other adoptive parents giving us encouragement.  The common thread: It will be worth it!

The hope we've been given through our outreach came at a time where we really needed it.  Jamie and I are so thankful, it's put a new spring in our step.  Hope is a beautiful thing.  Knowing that many are rooting for us warms our hearts.

We've had some additional excitement, too.  Some "I know someone stories" that maybe could come to fruition?  And this, too: My AMAZING sister-in-law posted our adoption Facebook page on her site (with some very sweet comments), one of Jamie's friends from Dawson saw it.  She did some additional outreach for us and the next day WCCO called to see if we'd be interested in doing a story!!  We are still working out the details, but there's a good possibility that they will come out next week to interview our family.  It's been an emotional week--in a very good way.  No matter what happens, we're thankful for the opportunity to tell our story to others...for two reasons: I hope to bring more awareness to that nasty disease called infertility as well as bring a baby to our family.  I believe that we'll find the perfect match--a birth family and child that we're meant to share our life with.

A Treadmill with a Side of Hope

This past Saturday, the three of us went to the Twin Cities for the day.  Our first stop was to check out a treadmill on Craig's List.  After trying it out, we walked outside and the woman selling the treadmill said to me, "You mentioned that you two are adopting, I'm adopted."  Wow.  (Yep, we do tell EVERYONE!) We had a great talk and she told us that her older brother is biological, she said that when they'd get into fights when they were kids, she'd tell him, "They (their parents) HAD to have you, they PICKED me!"  I got a kick out of that since I had just heard a similar story secondhand from another friend.  It helped me to see that our adopted child/red will see that although their birth story and arrival to our family is different than Griffin's, it's very, very special!

When we came back at night to pick up the treadmill, the woman told me that she called her mom after talking to me and told her our story.  She said that they've added us to their prayer list.  It's amazing how God continues to lead us to stories of hope to help us during this journey.

As a side note, as soon as we got into the basement where the treadmill was, Griffin ran up to a cool R2D2 toy.  After playing with it for a few minutes, the boy that owned the toy told Griffin he could keep it!  R2's batteries were missing, so we weren't sure what he could do, but regardless, Griffin loved him!  When we put batteries in him the next day, he started talking, "walking" and responding to commands.  He's Griffin's new buddy, and we feel that it's held off us adopting a dog for at least another 6 months! 

 

Seriously, what are the odds?

So, I went back to crabby on Saturday.  No idea why.  And, I HATE crabby.  But I was.  Poor Jamie.  Good thing he loves me so much!
Anyway, so I went on my crabby ways and a relative stopped over with his friend.  So I acted not crabby for a while.  We were chatting about her kids and taking about Griffin and I mentioned that we were a waiting adoptive family (As you can tell by now we seriously TELL everyone that will listen--who knows who will make the connection for us!?).  Then she goes on to tell me that her oldest son is adopted.  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  Randomly comes over to sprinkle hope all over me.  LOVE IT!  Then she tells me that they were considering adoption again when she miraculously, naturally got pregnant with twin girls.  Get our of town.  It was like the hope fairy came for a visit.  So, my crabbiness departed (it did make a sneak appearance later) and I was able to smile thinking of how happy and proud this women was of her three children that all arrived to her in miraculous ways.  I can't wait to see how our story unfolds.

Premonition

I was driving home last Monday thinking random thoughts (I know, what a surprise with me!), and all of a sudden I thought, "We are going to get the call tomorrow."  Weird, I know.  I forgot to mention this "premonition" (or maybe it was just a hope) to Jamie, but remembered it in the morning, so told my friend Wendy.  I figured if it really did happen I wanted some real live proof that I had a "hunch" beforehand.

Tuesday came and went and we didn't get a call.  But, I didn't fret about it.  It was, however, really fun to imagine that the call was going to happen soon.

The wait continues.....

This is secretly how I imagine it....I guess it won't be secret anymore

These are the thoughts that run through my mind.  Daily.  Usually when I am in the car, but sometimes more.  If you see me daydreaming, this is what it's all about.....

My cell phone rings and we find out that we've been blessed to be adoptive parents of a baby who has been born, and is at the hospital waiting for us.  We drop everything and go.  Hours later we are holding our baby (though not officially our baby yet). 

For some reason the whirlwind adoption story is what I dream about...day after day.....

The details change, sometimes we run to Target to get a car seat, sometimes I call one of my friends to say "WE GOT THE CALL!!!  By the way can you pick us up a car seat?"  Sometimes I imagine calling my mom, Jamie's parents, our siblings, our friends.  Sometimes I imagine taking the time to get the crib set up and sometimes I dump a tub of clothes in the wash.  Sometimes I am at work, sometimes I am at home in sweats, sometimes I'm with a friend.  I always cry, and I do in real life just thinking about it.

I imagine thanking, thanking, thanking our baby's birth mother.  I wonder if she will ever understand the amazing gift she has given us.  The gift of being parents again.

The magical day we get the call.  Christmas for the Thompsons.  Knowing that everything we've been praying for, waiting for, dreaming of, is finally here.

It's wonderful to dream about each day.  And, when the real story unfolds, it's going to be wonderful to share it over and over again with our baby.

Until then I am going to keep on dreaming.

And, yes, I know that reality will likely be far from my dreams, but for now, I am going to keep these dreams alive.  Hope.

Wishing on a Star

When I picked up Griffin from daycare he yelled, "Mom, look a shooting star!"  I told him that he should make a wish on the shooting star.  He was quiet for a moment, then said, "I wished for a brother or a sister."

If I ever needed confirmation that we were doing the right thing, that was it!

Later, we were having dinner together.  Griffin said, "Mom, what if a kid wrote a letter to Santa and said that all he wanted for Christmas was his mom?"  I told him that I thought that would be very nice.  Then he said, "All I wanted was a Batman cave AND my mom" PAUSE "and a brother or sister."

:)

Making Plans

One of the things I've wanted to explore before having another baby is cloth diapers.  I've spoken with my friends that use them and they seem to love them, but I don't know much about them other than there have liners, cute covers and you do more laundry!  A new friend and adoptive parent recommended Mud Butt Cloth Diapers to me.  I was excited to see that the company was in our neighboring town and the owner has adopted two children through LSS!  I sent her an email explaining that we are on the LSS waiting list and she told me that she would be happy to get together so she can show me how they work, and to let me see them firsthand.  We set up a time to meet next week.

I started thinking that I was getting the cart before the horse.  We don't even have a match yet--not even anyone looking at our profile.  It's only been 4 weeks, I didn't expect a whirlwind adoption once we entered the book (although that would have been fun!).  So then the negative talk came in.  "What am I doing?  We aren't even matched.  We might not ever be chosen.  I shouldn't be looking at diapers and assuming that we'll get to have another child."  And, well, is just gets ugly from there.  It's true, we might not get chosen.  At some point we might have to decide that we are done trying and it's over.  The thought of it makes me so sad.

I worked out with a good friend one morning this week and mentioned my struggle to her.  She encouraged me to act as I would as an expecting mother.  It was good advice for me.  I don't know how long this "pregnancy" will be, but I have to keep my hope alive.  I feel like most of the time I speak positively about the adoption process, I use "when" instead of "if" frequently, but some days it's hard. 

I need to look at it this way--if we never get to have more children, I will be devastated regardless of if I enjoy this waiting period or dread it.  So, I might as well enjoy my time.  I can live my life anticipating disappointment, or I can live it anticipating joy.  I need to choose anticipating joy. It's a whole lot more fun to imagine holding a baby in our arms than it is to imagine having to let go of our dream.

So, right now I'll play the role of an expecting mother and learn more about cloth diapers next week.  It's hard to stay positive, thank goodness for the encouragement of good friends and family.

Meet Hope

After I miscarried last January, I met a dear friend for lunch.  She had two gifts, one for me and one for Jamie.  Below is a photo of my gift, we named her Hope.  It's amazing how much comfort a sweet, snugly, silky stuffed animal blanket can provide.  We're 35 and 39 and she sleeps in our bed every night.  And, it doesn't even seem weird to me.  It's a constant reminder that we have friends and family rooting for us, and that they have hope, too.  Hopefully someday Hope with get lots of love from the next addition to our family.

The other day Griffin was napping in our bed.  I found him like this.  He has hope, too.

Thank God for our dear friends that give us hope, even when we've felt we lost it!

Griffin's Prayers

We pray with Griffin every night.  He likes to pray for "everyone, even the people we don't know".  The other night he prayed for "the baby that will be in our family someday." And, to "please have it be soon."  What a sweet, hopeful big brother!

Week of Hope: Entry #2

Tuesday was a big day.  Some friends of ours that have had difficulty growing their family were blessed with a baby through adoption.  We knew the baby would most likely be born on Tuesday, so on the way to work I kept thinking about them, and how incredibly happy I was for them.  I couldn't hold back tears, I can only imagine how the day must feel, so many mixed emotions.  Then, the moment where they finally get to meet their child in person.  Amazing.  When I got the message that their baby was born, I cried again.  So absolutely happy that they finally get to be parents.  And, what wonderful parents they will make!! 

It's so inspiring to see others get through this battle and get to the other side.  That gives me hope. 

Thanks, you two, for sharing your story and giving us the hope we need to keep moving along on our family building journey!

A Week of Hope: Entry #1

It seemed like last week I had glimmers of hope every time I turned around.  It was really inspirational, especially since I had a busy, busy week and felt lots of pressure to get our profile done.

Here's the start....

The woman (and friend) that leads the infertility/family building support group that I attend contacted me about a paper she was writing for a class.  The paper needed to be on one word and she had to interview someone.  She chose the word hope, and asked if I would be willing to be interviewed.   I was glad that she thought of the word hope, and was honored that I came to mind when she thought of the word. 

She asked me questions: What does hope mean to you?  When is a time that you almost gave up hope?  When is a time that hope got you through a difficult situation?  What gives you hope?  How does hope affect your daily life?  It was easy to answer all of the questions and was good for me to reflect on hope and what it's done for my life!  It will be fun to see the end product.   Thanks, Katie!

How being a bridesmaid helped my struggle with infertility.

In the summer of 2010, Jamie and I left the Center for Reproductive Medicine after signing a contract for the Attain IVF plan and writing our a big, fat check.  I headed to a nice rooftop bar to have a drink with my good (and beautiful) friend, Ann.  She showed me her incredible, gorgeous engagement ring and shared wedding plans and ideas with me (after, of course, listening to me recount every detail of our meeting at the IVF clinic).  We were drinking delicious mojitos, but that's beside the point.  I knew Ann and Jordi were planning a small wedding, so I was very pleasantly shocked and honored to be asked to be a bridesmaid in the wedding.  At the time they were planning to be married in Spain, so I sent Jamie a text telling him we were jetting off to Spain next summer/fall....he assured me that we'd make it work!  I had visions of me attending their wedding with baby in tote, or at the very least, a big baby belly.

I think you all know how that turned out.  Our year was tough, painful and full of loss and disappointment.  After a year of doing everything we could to grow our family and failing miserably, I hardly felt like myself.  I felt defeated and washed up. 

Ann and Jordi's wedding plans were underway, and it was a joy to be part of it, something bigger than ourselves--to see their love for each other and their excitement to continue their life together as husband and wife was truly inspirational.  It was so refreshing to see dreams come true.  I'm a believer in happily ever after, and even though it felt like our happily ever after was on hold, it was SO good to see it come alive for one of my dearest friends.

I bought a dress for the wedding in February, about a month after we had our 3rd miscarriage (all of the bridesmaids could pick out our own dresses in any shade of purple--I LOVED that!).  It was kinda tight.  I gained 10 pounds during our IVF process and the miscarriages that followed, so I figured I'd soon lose the weight.   

We went to a fun family shower for Ann and Jordi.  A little over a month before the shower I found out I was just over 5 weeks pregnant.  I planned to tell Ann when we were trying on our dresses that I'd be getting a maternity dress instead.  But, I miscarried shortly before the shower.  I tried on the dress I bought in February that I now planned to wear again....it was still tight. 

Ann and Jordi made a wedding website.  Ann wrote about each of her bridesmaids, I read her description of everyone and read mine last.  I cried happy tears, her words were so sweet, I couldn't believe the person she was writing about was me!  She put so much heart into writing about each of her family members and friends, and I know it wasn't just for her, it was for us.  Ann reminded me of who I truly was, not the infertile, washed up failure I felt like.

We had a bachelorette party.  We hung out just like good old times.  I felt like myself.  For those of you that don't know, I'm kinda an entertainer at heart.

But, the dress was still tight.  By example, Ann and her sister, Kris, inspired me to take better care of myself.  5 weeks later, I tried on my dress thinking it would fit perfectly and it was too big.  After a slight freak out session, I called a friend and co-worker who saved the day and took in my dress.  I did it, the one last thing that seemed unconquerable after our struggles was the weight.  And now the IVF weight was finally gone.

The wedding came and I felt great.  I had energy, fit in my dress and best of all, I was able to see my dear friend, Ann, have her dream come true.  She married her true love.  She held on to the happily ever after, and got it.

Ann and Jordi put an amazing amount of thought into their wedding, and the events surrounding it.  They made all of their guests feel welcome, appreciated and special.  We soaked it up.

I put on my dress the day of the wedding and momentarily thought about how I was expecting to be a little over 5 months pregnant at their wedding.  And, I told myself I was OK, and I truly meant it.

 When I was handed my cute little tin that represented fertility for Ann and Jordi, I said extra prayers. 

I listened to the vows that Ann and Jordi wrote and tears filled my eyes.  I felt so blessed to be able to stand up for them and support them in their commitment.  And, I felt so blessed to see my husband looking over at me during the wedding...I know he was thinking just what I was--that Ann and Jordi have an amazing love for each other just like we do.

Jamie and I had an amazing trip, we met so many wonderful people--family and friends of Ann and Jordi--were able to "recharge our batteries" and revisit the good we have in life.  It's so good to feel like me again.

Thank you, Ann and Jordi!

Comfort and Help

The other day I looked up a website my mother-in-law gave me.  She was watching CNN and saw a special on adoption, it talked about an organization called Help Us Adopt (www.helpusadopt.org).  It's a non-profit that provides grants to families with financial difficulties that want to adopt.

I read, and clicked and read and clicked.  It was started by a woman kinda like me, ya know, infertile.  And she has a blog: http://www.aninfertileblonde.com/.  I'm even kinda blonde right now, at least the strands of my hair that I paid to dye blonde. 

I couldn't stop reading and clicking.  And, my thoughts kept coming--how amazing it was that she did this--started such a great organization, blogged about her feelings. Sshe is COMFORTING and HELPING people, many people.  She's helping people achieve their dream of becoming parents.  Wow. 

I've always said that when "this" part of my life is done, I want to help people get through their struggles with infertility.  I'm not sure how I'll do it yet, but I'll somehow make it happen.  I want to comfort others and give them hope. 

I went to bed uplifted.

I went to Bible study the next day.  Our group is doing a study called Brave by Angela Thomas.  I love it.  Down to earth, real, easy to understand.  I started watching the video and I immediately felt like the session was written just for me.  Seriously. 

She talked about fear, the kind of fear that makes you tremble inside.  I know that fear.  She quoted 2 Corinthians 1:4-5.  To paraphrase: The purpose of receiving comfort is so that we may comfort others.  I thought of all of the comfort I have received through our difficult times, due to our faith, family and friends.  It has inspired me to want to comfort others.

She also talked about hope.  Having hope through adversity.  Hope.  A thing called hope. 

It's fun when things in life come together, and through the grief and challenges, I can somehow see clearly.  Even if it is just for a moment. 

Post Appointment

I left the appointment in a blur, I hadn't eaten lunch, but wasn't hungry. I couldn't go back to work, I just couldn't. I wanted to celebrate my little guy's birthday with him, but he was still napping at daycare. So, I headed to the mall, tear stained face and all. Moving forward, healing. I shopped for a bit and stayed busy until I knew Griffin was awake. I picked up two chocolate shakes and headed on my way to our miracle. He had his swimsuit on and was ready to run through the sprinkler, he asked me to stay and watch him, but Mary said it would be a little while. So, we stopped by my parent's cabin and picked up their fun water ball. Griffin laughed his head off in the front yard while getting drenched. I took my medication.

We went over to my parents and celebrated our sweet little guy. He was so excited to have a balloon, a party, a cake and presents. He blew out his candles and we told him to make a wish. He wished for another nerf gun (I caved and bought him one and gave it to him when he woke up--don't worry there are plenty of rules with it!) We told him that since he had a nerf gun already, he might want to wish for something else. So, he wished that "Nonna and Poppa wouldn't go back to Florida." What a sweet boy. My parents had a super fun gift for him--a motorized 4 wheeler just his size. But, they wrapped up some other things and told him it was his present--socks, underwear, a swimsuit and a toothbrush. Griffin commented on everything and said thank you and then talked about the movie we were going to. No big deal that he got necessities for his birthday! My parents laughed. They showed him his real gift and he was thrilled! It even has a "Griffin" license plate on it. He's one lucky boy.

We all went to a movie, and laughed as we heard Griffin giggle. He's helping us all to heal.

The medication is working faster than I imagined, it was a tough night, but I know that there will be brighter days ahead. Right now I feel very little hope, I feel a bit lost and confused. But, I know someday hope will be restored.

Healing

At our last doctor's appointment, we knew there was very little hope. Our baby was behind in growth and the ultrasound tech could not detect a heartbeat. But, our doctor scheduled a follow up appointment just in case....he wasn't ready to do anything quite yet, and thought we should wait two weeks for my body to take care of things naturally. But, it didn't.

So, we headed back to the clinic and walked to the dreaded ultrasound room once again. I think I have had a dozen ultrasounds in the last year, I am a regular there. A dozen ultrasounds and no baby. I remember when I was pregnant with Griffin and couldn't wait for my next ultrasound. Now, I drive to my appointments wishing I had the courage to drive past the clinic and land up at some happy place. But, avoidance doesn't change the outcome, it only changes my need to have to face it.

Luckily, we had my favorite ultrasound tech. She struggled with infertility for years and has three children. She gives me hope and is absolutely one of the sweetest people I have encountered at the clinic.

We followed her to the room and I noticed her shirt, it was a pretty fitted scrub shirt, and had white embroidered words on it. My eyes focused on the word "heal". Yes, that is what I needed to do, heal. I saw the word hope and my eyes moved back to healing. It's too hard to have hope right now, I need to concentrate on healing first.

She talked through the ultrasound and told me to ask any questions I wanted. At first all I could do was cry. No flickering heartbeat. I wasn't expecting it, but was praying that some amazing miracle took place, but all along I knew what the reality was, the baby had passed away and my body was holding on to him or her for dear life. I started to ask questions and she answered them, supported us and comforted us. We didn't leave with images, we left empty handed. Nothing changed, but my body was still holding on.

We walked down the long hallway to the waiting room. I commented that if felt like the walk of shame. The poor tear stained couple that has walked this walk too many times empty handed, or with images of babies that didn't survive. In the waiting room I noticed a pregnant woman who saw us and diverted her eyes. It's not hard to figure out what our tears were from.

We sat in the waiting room and I reminded myself that we had support--Jamie was close--we had each other. I thought of the flowers on our table at home and remembered that we had people that cared in our lives and that would support us through this. It's part of the healing.

We met with our doctor. We had choices, I opted for the medication. We have no idea how long my body would hold on, and although I still wanted to hold on, I know that I need to heal. We talked about all sorts of things, and he decided to do some blood work.

So many decisions ahead, but for now, we need to focus on healing.

I left and I reflected on that exactly 4 years ago, 11 minutes before my ultrasound, our perfect miracle was born.

I needed to spend some time grieving, then had to help my little boy celebrate his 4th birthday. Our precious miracle that continues to give me hope.