I was listening to the radio on the way to a conference in St. Cloud today. A song came on about a pregnant woman who found out that her baby girl would likely live less than a year, her doctor asked her what she wanted to do. The mother and father had the baby, they wanted to hold her hand and be a mom and dad as long as they could. My heart broke thinking of our sweet little boy that never had a chance to have his mommy and daddy hold him. It seems so unfair, for him to never feel our arms around him, to never have a chance at life. I hope he felt comforted in my belly, listening to my heart beat. I hope he knew that I loved him, waited for him and wanted him more than words could ever describe. So, the tears kept flowing and I was digging for Kleenex thinking about how absolutely ridiculous I must look to all of the other folks in traffic.
Then I thought about our future, and the day that our family finally grows, the joy we will feel when our baby is put into our arms....more and more tears fell...the overwhelming gratitude I will feel to our baby's birth mother and father for giving us the most incredible gift, the gift of life. Then I prayed that the birth mother and father that choose us are ok with tears, because there will surely be lots of them when we see and hold our baby for the first time. What an amazing day it will be.
Friday, April 29, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Thanks!
I called my mom the other day, and you know what she said? "Heather, I've always wanted to go to Holland!" (See previous post if this doesn't make sense!)
Thanks to my Mom, extended family, smiling ladies on the follower list, my Resolve support group, and my co-workers and friends that give me support in so many ways. Your encouragement means the world to me. You have gotten me through many difficult moments and have helped me see the hope through the heartbreak. The end of the story is going to be a good one. I just know it!
Thanks to my Mom, extended family, smiling ladies on the follower list, my Resolve support group, and my co-workers and friends that give me support in so many ways. Your encouragement means the world to me. You have gotten me through many difficult moments and have helped me see the hope through the heartbreak. The end of the story is going to be a good one. I just know it!
IVF?
One of the questions I get on a somewhat frequent basis is if we are going to try IVF again, after all we have another session paid for. I can answer that with a good, solid maybe. Pretty pathetic, huh? Here's the deal. I'm not ready to go through that again. Here's why:
1) I had my blood drawn for auto immune tests a while back. I cried and cried sitting there. It brought back too many memories of baseline bloodwork and pregnancy tests.
2) That would mean more time in the place where I found out our baby died. What if my baseline ultrasound is in that very room? No thanks.
3) I can handle stabbing myself with shots all over my belly. I can handle having my eggs retrieved. I can handle them being put back in. I can handle telling Jamie to buck up and give me another shot in my keester. I don't think I can handle the 2ww (2 week wait)--the wait to find out if we are pregnant. Then, the two day wait to find out of my beta doubled. Then, the wait to see if the baby made it to ultrasound #1, then #2, then #3. It all sound too painful. I don't want any more babies to die.
4) If we get pregnant, our adoption will be on hold. (Yes, I realize we haven't even had our home study, but we are emotionally invested in our unknown adopted child already). If we have a biological child, we can't adopt through LSS for a year.
5) If we do another IVF cycle, we will pay about $9,000 out of pocket due to meds, bloodwork, ultrasounds and embryo testing. $9,000 would go a long way towards our $22,000-$25,000 adoption!
6) After everything we've learned about adoption, including the good, bad and ugly, we WANT to adopt a baby (or 2)!
So, am I ready to cash in on our shared risk program and get 75% of the $16,000 we invested back? (Only 75% because we have a frozen embryo.) Heck no. Based on our infertility track record, another IVF cycle is likely our last hope for a pregnancy. And, gosh do I LOVE being pregnant (even though it now scares me, too!)! And, as you well know, I'm not into giving up hope.
So, for now, I'll keep giving the same answer: maybe.
1) I had my blood drawn for auto immune tests a while back. I cried and cried sitting there. It brought back too many memories of baseline bloodwork and pregnancy tests.
2) That would mean more time in the place where I found out our baby died. What if my baseline ultrasound is in that very room? No thanks.
3) I can handle stabbing myself with shots all over my belly. I can handle having my eggs retrieved. I can handle them being put back in. I can handle telling Jamie to buck up and give me another shot in my keester. I don't think I can handle the 2ww (2 week wait)--the wait to find out if we are pregnant. Then, the two day wait to find out of my beta doubled. Then, the wait to see if the baby made it to ultrasound #1, then #2, then #3. It all sound too painful. I don't want any more babies to die.
4) If we get pregnant, our adoption will be on hold. (Yes, I realize we haven't even had our home study, but we are emotionally invested in our unknown adopted child already). If we have a biological child, we can't adopt through LSS for a year.
5) If we do another IVF cycle, we will pay about $9,000 out of pocket due to meds, bloodwork, ultrasounds and embryo testing. $9,000 would go a long way towards our $22,000-$25,000 adoption!
6) After everything we've learned about adoption, including the good, bad and ugly, we WANT to adopt a baby (or 2)!
So, am I ready to cash in on our shared risk program and get 75% of the $16,000 we invested back? (Only 75% because we have a frozen embryo.) Heck no. Based on our infertility track record, another IVF cycle is likely our last hope for a pregnancy. And, gosh do I LOVE being pregnant (even though it now scares me, too!)! And, as you well know, I'm not into giving up hope.
So, for now, I'll keep giving the same answer: maybe.
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Softies, Grief and Loss
One of the speakers at our adoption training was a woman that has first hand dealt with both infertility and adoption. She was an excellent speaker, I could have listened to her all day. She and her husband have had 10 miscarriages (YES, TEN!). I can't even bear the thought of it. She talked about the importance of working through the grief and loss you experience with infertility, and giving up the biological "dream" of carrying a child and having the symbolic connection that comes with a biological child. The training included 32 adoptive families, and I am SURE that we were the two biggest softies in the room! I was sniffling during most of her talk--hearing about her heartbreak was close to home and hearing about the joy of her adoptions gave me so much hope. One thing that really touched me was when she talked about the mother's day that her husband left flowers for her on the table with a card that read, "We know you'd make a great mother! Love, Dan the Gang" (signing it on behalf of himself and the 5 babies they had lost at the time).
She spoke about the grief and loss that her children experience because they are adopted. No matter how great their life is, they feel the loss of their biological family. It gave me a twinge of pain to hear that...as a mom you want your kids to have as easy of a life as possible. Knowing that our adopted children will have pain down the road due to the adoption is hard. But, I know that being a member of our family is in their best interest.
She also mentioned that because of the grief and loss we have experienced due to infertility, we will be better equip to help our children cope with their grief and loss. I sure hope so.
She spoke about the grief and loss that her children experience because they are adopted. No matter how great their life is, they feel the loss of their biological family. It gave me a twinge of pain to hear that...as a mom you want your kids to have as easy of a life as possible. Knowing that our adopted children will have pain down the road due to the adoption is hard. But, I know that being a member of our family is in their best interest.
She also mentioned that because of the grief and loss we have experienced due to infertility, we will be better equip to help our children cope with their grief and loss. I sure hope so.
Garage Sale Day #2
The second day of our big adoption garage sale was COLD, too, but at least we saw a sneak peak of the sun every so often. Jamie was there with me most of the day and we got additional help from Kari and Mary Kaye. We had some friends stop by to visit which was really nice! The grand total from the two days was $1,219! UNBELIEVABLE! With Mary Kaye's monster cookie sale (she makes the BEST cookies and sold them at work for $2/cookie) and another donation we received, we are well over $1,300! We have a lot of people to thank for the great sale--so many people donated their items and time. We have a decent amount of things leftover, so boxed it up for a sale later this year.
It was fun to answer questions about our adoption during the sale. Lots of people asked where we are adopting from and were surprised to hear "Minnesota". Most people assumed we were adopting out of the country.
One woman commented that she serves as a guardian for pregnant women from time to time. She worked with a woman that placed her baby for adoption last week...they found the adoptive family through word of mouth. Of course, I was thrilled to meet her! She mentioned that she will be working with another woman soon, so I gave her some information about our family and our number. Before learning more about adoption through research and training, I think I would have been more aggressive and excited. But, we've learned that the right match will come along, and that you will know when that connection is there. So, I figured if it's meant to be, she'll call!
We met another woman that was about my age and was adopted. She said her birth mother tried to locate her, but she didn't have any interest in meeting her birth mother. After all, she had a mom and a dad, and that's all she needed. It was interesting to hear her perspective.
It was a very encouraging day, and we're $1,219 closer to covering our adoption costs (about $22,000-$25,000)!
It was fun to answer questions about our adoption during the sale. Lots of people asked where we are adopting from and were surprised to hear "Minnesota". Most people assumed we were adopting out of the country.
One woman commented that she serves as a guardian for pregnant women from time to time. She worked with a woman that placed her baby for adoption last week...they found the adoptive family through word of mouth. Of course, I was thrilled to meet her! She mentioned that she will be working with another woman soon, so I gave her some information about our family and our number. Before learning more about adoption through research and training, I think I would have been more aggressive and excited. But, we've learned that the right match will come along, and that you will know when that connection is there. So, I figured if it's meant to be, she'll call!
We met another woman that was about my age and was adopted. She said her birth mother tried to locate her, but she didn't have any interest in meeting her birth mother. After all, she had a mom and a dad, and that's all she needed. It was interesting to hear her perspective.
It was a very encouraging day, and we're $1,219 closer to covering our adoption costs (about $22,000-$25,000)!
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