Remembering the Day

"The anniversary" hung over my head a bit, but it turned out to be as good of a day as it could (of course, a call from our agency could have put it over the top, but I'll settle with good!). 

I received encouraging support from friends, including some great quotes that I'll share later.  (As a side note, I don't EXPECT friends to remember this day, so if you are reading this and didn't say anything, please don't feel even a twinge of guilt!!)

A good friend stopped into my office at about the time we were in the ultrasound room last year. I told her it was hard to think back to what I was doing exactly a year before, but from there is was "up".  The amazing support we were blessed with from others kept us going, and still does.  We haven't given up the hope that our family will grow.  I remember how Jamie and I came together, the cards, thoughtful and loving gifts, calls, texts and prayers.  I know prayers help heal, we are proof. 

Late morning these showed up in my office, with a note that said, "Remembering ALL of our loved ones. Love and God bless, Jamie":

Thank God for my amazing husband that is full of support and surprises.

I picked up our miracle from daycare, had a nice dinner with him, and went to the library for a fun preschool event.  No feelings of sadness (even when I look back and think of all the families there with multiple children), just feelings of being blessed that I GET to pick up a child from daycare and bring him to fun kid events.

Promise

Obviously, it's been a bit rough around here lately. We're all about putting one foot in front of the other and picking up the pieces, but it doesn't mean that we aren't grieving. We do plenty of that, too.

This weekend we took a quick trip to the Cities and stayed downtown. I was a bit mopey on Saturday morning thinking about how painful and sad it was to have to go thorough this AGAIN, I really thought that this pregnancy was "meant to be". Jamie responded to my mopeyness with, "Heather, there will be a frickin' happy ending to our story, I know there will be."

Today I was having a rough spell again. During spin class I kept thinking about how sad it was that we were thrilled to be on the adoption route, got surprised with a pregnancy (!!!), only to be let down yet again. I thought about it more in the shower at the Y and cried and cried and cried. (And, yes, I sucked it up and got ready tear free just like any other morning at the Y.) Jamie called to talk about our evening plans and I mentioned that I was having a tough day. His response, "Heather, I promise that we will have another baby, maybe two."

My husband keeps promises. So, I believe him.

Hope and a Sign

On Saturday we were registered for a Resolve Family Building Conference in the Cities. (Resolve is a national infertility association that assists families struggling with infertility. I attend a monthly support group in St. Cloud through Resolve.)
We woke up at 5:00 a.m. to get to the conference in time and could quickly tell that the roads would be bad (wind, wind, wind). We looked online and the road conditions were indeed bad, so we thought we'd have to skip the conference. As the gal that looks for signs (Miss, I know I am not the only one!), I thought this was our sign that we needed to give up the battle. (As you can tell I am a bit burned out lately!) Positive husband came to the rescue. He told me to jump in the shower while he cleared the driveway and he'd check to see how bad the roads were.
We got on the road and got to the conference mid-way between the first session. We missed the keynote speaker, but I didn't mind one bit--we got there. As much as I feel defeated, deep down in my heart that I am not ready to give up hope.
We had a great day and learned so much about coping with infertility, alternative options (i.e. acupuncture) and adoption. We skipped the sessions on artificial reproductive technologies...we feel like we are WELL versed in that area! I am so blessed to have such a supportive, understanding husband. We split up and went to different sessions so we could get as much info as possible, he was so great at recapping what he learned. I'm happy to say that after the conference today, we feel even better about our decision to pursue adoption. (But, don't be thinking I have let go of the pregnancy dream!)
We seemed to have a very unique situation with a biological child conceived naturally, yet a huge amount of struggle to have a child afterwards. The struggle sucks, but we are really blessed to have G.
I hope that some day we are panelists at this event. We want to help others get through their struggle.
Anyway, how is this for a sign? At the end of the day there was a prize drawing, we could put our tickets into boxes labeled for the items we would like to win. We won $1,000 towards our home study through Lutheran Social Services!
Our night ended with dinner with a good friend that happened to be in town from Madison. The perfect end to what turned out to be a great day.