Mother's Day

It's Mother's Day, and a great time to reflect on how fortunate I am to be a mom. It used to be a tough day for me, it seemed like it was a celebration of what I longed for, but didn't have. I woke up feeling positive, happy to spend the day with my boys, and my mom and dad. I received some super sweet gifts--an awesome green shirt that Griffin picked out and a nice jacket for running, perfect for this rainy spring weather. Jamie got my van detailed this week. Love my boys. My mom gave me a fun "wet suit" bag to use when I leave the Y with my swimsuit (attached to the bag was a cute homemade card signed my Griffin).

Then we went to Sunday school. Sweet husband helped in the classroom today. Loved that, too. He read the Bible story to the kiddos and talked to them about Jesus. Kids yelled our varying things, but it was the comment from my little man that made my heart stop. "Jesus took our baby." (Let me clarify that we explained to him that our baby died and now is in heaven with Jesus...and have reiterated that Jesus didn't TAKE our baby.) It's amazing how one little phrase can change your frame of mind. I was holding back tears, looked at my co-teacher and said, "Happy Mother's Day, right?" Although Mother's Day is a day for me to celebrate what I DO have--an amazing mother and the gift of motherhood, Griffin's comment forced me to think about the three little peanuts up in heaven. And I was trying SO hard to focus on what I DO have today. My heart ached thinking about how I never got to show them how much I love them.

Although Mother's Day brings up mostly happy feelings for me, I can't help but feel sadness for the women struggling to become moms. Friends of mine, and strangers. Women I've heard about from others that are in hope/disappointment cycle that infertility brings. Women in my support group. Women that I've encountered through inspire.org. Women that want nothing more than to be called Momma. My Mother's Day wish is that all of those deserving women will one day hear the sweet sound of "Momma".

Family Photos

Those of you that know me know that I take gobs and gobs of photos, I scrapbook them, blog them and print them in excess. So, I feel like we have what we need to show potential birth parents who we are and what we are about. But, we didn't have a recent (in the last 9 months) family photo that was a close up and would work for the main photo that will be featured on LSS's website. My good friend, Mandi, came out yesterday to take a close up of us to use for the profile. Thanks, Mandi and Spencer, you two are awesome!!!

Home Study

We heard from our adoption social worker! We'll be heading to her office in St. Cloud on May 17th. We'll have a 2 hour+ meeting with her, then the next step will a meeting in our home. We're moving along.....

Innocence

I was getting my hair done the other day and chatting with my hairdresser about the usualy life stuff...Griffin starting t-ball, her happiness that hockey season was over, and our adoption process. In walked another client and her hairdresser immediately began to ask how she was feeling, was she feeling less sick? She sat down next to me. There was a lump in my gut. I knew it immediately. She was pregnant. My hairdresser and I both fell silent, I am sure we both knew the obvious and didn't quite know what to say (my hairdresser was well aware of the loss of our baby...one appointment I was wearing a maternity shirt, the next appointment I was back in "normal" clothes). The woman spoke about how she found out she was pregnant just one week after her missed period--SO EARLY--so it was going to feel like she was pregnant forever, she was 8 weeks along. And, she'd be pregnant at her wedding, it was diappointing that she wouldn't be able to party. She'd been so sick it was hard to get out of bed.

I just listened and thought about how my innocence was lost. It took nearly 2 years to conveive Griffin. The thought of not knowing I was pregnant for a week doesn't even seem possible. With 3 of our 4 pregnancies I found out I was pregnant BEFORE my missed period. With the other pregnancy, I had a good inkling I was pregnant, but my Grandmother was seriously ill and passed away. I didn't want to take a test because it wasn't a time for rejoicing, it was a time for mouring.

8 weeks along. And she was so confident. I REALLY can't imagine confidently telling anyone I was pregnant at 8 weeks along! During my last pregnancy, I didn't even announce it at work (we have the tradition of bringing in pink and blue treats when you want to share the news) until I was 14 weeks along. The same day I found out our little guy was no longer alive. A miscarriage will do that to you, I don't think you can ever enjoy your pregnancy the same way after losing a baby.

So, I thought about how fortunate this woman was to have her innocence and confidence, two things I can't get back. I am sure losing them has somehow made me a better person, stronger woman and more appreciative mother. Most days I'd rather have the innocence and confidence instead, but I still am thankful for the gifts I have received through our losses.

Social Workers and Butterflies

I got an email today that we have a Social Worker assigned to us! She will be calling us soon to set up our home study. I honestly got butterflies....this is really happening! It seems like such a huge step. We will soon be meeting the woman that will help us through this process. She will be calling us to let us know if a potential birth parent wants to meet us. She'll let us know if we are "picked". And, she will most likely be there when our baby is born. Such an important person in our lives and we've never met! We're excited for the next steps of our journey!