Other's Feedback, Comments & Thoughts

You guys will get picked right away!  You are such a great family!

Wow--I saw the interview on WCCO, your family is terrific.  You'll have so many opportunities to adopt!

How many leads did you get from the WCCO interview?

The encouragement is great, but it's hard, too.  See, we DIDN'T get picked "right away"....yes, I think we're a great family, but so are the other 59 waiting families!  And, the expecting mothers need to choose the family that is the right fit for them and their baby.  We can't be that for everyone, and the one that we are right for is still out there.

As for leads from the interview, that's not why we did it.  We realize that it could have lead us to opportunities, but it didn't.  Let's get realistic here....this is tough stuff, tough decisions, people's lives, emotions, many, many factors. There are not expecting women flooding the streets choosing adoption.

The reality is that I know some really great people that have waiting nearly two years to "get picked".  It's painful, frustrating and disappointing.  But, it's true.

Reality isn't always easy.  

As one adoptive mother told me, the only way you won't be a parent again is if you give up.  So, we can't give up.  But, we can keep our faith and hope alive, make the best life we can and enjoy the many, many good things we have been blessed with.

At the Park

The other night I took Griffin to the park.  I noticed that everyone there had two or more children with them, even the pregnant woman.  I also noticed that one of the men kept watching Griffin and I (not in a creepy way, just in a trying to figure it out kinda way).  Finally he asked, "Did you only bring one with you tonight?"  WHAT?  My response, "We only have one child, but we're in the process of trying to adopt a baby."  I followed Griffin through the maze of play equipment and noticed him still staring, I'm guessing he was trying to figure out if Griffin was adopted!
I don't know why I had to add the "we're trying to adopt a baby" statement, maybe so that he knows how lucky he is that he came to the park with 3 little girls in tow? 

A Visit to the Dentist

Every time I am at the dentist I am reminded that we have waited another six months for a baby, yet still don't have one.  I sit down in the chair and the questions start: Have your medications changed?  Are you currently pregnant?  Are you trying to get pregnant?  I usually give them a new list of medications (much easier now than when I was trying to get pregnant), today was easy since I've steered clear of fertility medications for a while and I no longer have to schedule the photos of my teeth during the two "safe" weeks of the month.  I am sure it was much easier on the hygienist, too, since I didn't get all teary eyed this visit.  I'm getting better at talking about our struggles to grow our family.  We talked about health, the weather and adoption.  She asked me lots of questions, not in a nosy sort of way, but a genuinely curious sort of way.  Then she asked if Griffin was "mine".  Between scrapings I responded, "Yes."  In my head I thought, "I wish she wouldn't say it like that.....our next baby, likely to be adopted, will be ours."  Just then, she said, "I'm sorry, you probably knew what I meant, I meant to ask if your son was biological."  Apparently hygienists are teeth scrapers AND mind readers, too.

The dentist came in and we talked about adoption, too.  Yes, do you get the idea that I tell everyone we come in contact with?  You never know who might be the connection to our future child!!  Then he told me about his brother that adopted through foster care, and that his daughter did IVF multiple times and it didn't work.  But, about a year later she got pregnant.  Some day we'll be the people that other people talk about.  The couple that couldn't have more kids, but now have more kids.  (I'll keep it plural because I think that's more fun.)

When I left the hygienist told me to bring in photos of our baby if we adopt before our next visit.  I walked back to work hoping that my next six month visit won't be another reminder of the time that's passed without the addition we've been praying for.  

Don't you see? I've left the race.

The other day the baby questions started early, like 5:55 a.m. early.  By 6:55 a.m. I was getting baby question #2.  I really don't mind the baby questions.  I'm glad people are interested, or at least pretending to be interested.  It makes the wait seem so much more real, like I truly am an expecting mom. 

After the interrogator from the 6:55 a.m. baby discussion left the room, my good friend looked at me and asked, "How do you do it??"  I told her the truth, it really doesn't bother me anymore.  After all, we've put our feelings right out there on our sleeves, so we have to expect that people will ask.  And, I enjoy educating people about the adoption process, so it's OK. 

The part of the 6:55 a.m. discussion that I didn't appreciate was this: Interrogator, "I guess it's a race between you and X to see who has a baby first."  X is trying to get pregnant, and maybe is.  But really, it's not our business until she wants it to be. 

A race?

See folks, I am out of the race.  I gave that up a long time ago.  Did I WANT my children to be closer in age?  You betcha.  Would I have loved to have a baby at the same time as my good friend Kelly so we'd have two kids the same age?  Yep.  Do I wish I was on baby #3 right now, not holding onto hope that we will at least have one more child.  Of course.  But that didn't happen, I lived in the race and it sucked. Mentally, physically, emotionally sucked.

You know what?  I learned it's not a race.  I don't care how close my kids are in age anymore.  I don't think about what grade Griffin will be in when our next child starts school.  I don't think about so and so "beating me" because they have three kids and we likely never will.  I don't worry about the trivial things that used to consume my thoughts. 

The race kept going and I exited.  I pulled out on the sidelines and decided that I'd run a different course.  A course that has pretty scenery, but tough hills.  It's a lot longer than the other course, but it's made me a better person, a better mom, a better lover of life.  So, I'll continue on this course until I get to the end.  But I won't race to the end, I'll take whatever time I need to get there.

So people, please don't put me back in the race.  That's not a place I want to be anymore because losing hurts.  I'll just continue to do my own thing, and you know what, I'll be happy doing it.

Assumptions

A friend asked me about the adoption process the other day, a colleague of hers was nearby.  I filled her in.  Her colleague asked us how long we had to wait for Griffin.  I told her 9 months {plus 2 years of "trying"}, he's our biological child.

I think I better get used to people assuming that all of our children arrived to our family the same way.  (Well, when you look at it another way, they will have...through God.)

I feel blessed to have the opportunity to have our family grow in two very special ways!

That's sounds great, but really?

I was teaching Sunday School the other morning (you guessed it, Sunday morning) and someone asked me about how the adoption process was going.  Then she commented that I'd probably be one of those people that adopted and got pregnant.  (Note: Remember, we were in the process of completing our adoption paperwork and got pregnant.  Then, we lost the baby.)  I commented, "Yeah, that would be great, but I don't even know that we'll make that an option again."  She looked confused.  I responded, "You have to make getting pregnant a possibility first, after 4 losses, we aren't sure we are willing to do that again."  Then she went on, "Oh, you just never know, I bet it will happen." 

Really, people?

Honestly, I feel like at this point, if we wanted to get pregnant, we could make it happen.  It may be costly (mentally, physically and financially), but it could happen.  For Pete's sake, it's happened 5 times! 

The scary part is STAYING pregnant.  We don't know enough about our losses to pinpoint and prevent a future loss.  I understand that sometimes you have to take risks to get the reward, but look at our history.  It was hard to get pregnant.  We did, and were blessed with Griffin.  Followed by difficulty getting pregnant, $30,000 in medical expenses to achieve pregnancy, and 4 miscarriages, back to back.  4.  What would you do?  See what I mean?  It feels safer not to go there.  I want babies to live.  Live.  Have a chance at life. 

I'll hear more comments like this one.  And, I'll respond the same way.  Somehow I want to try to get people to understand.  And, it's hard.  I wouldn't have understood 3 years ago.  But, unfortunately, I understand today. 

Please keep your adoption horror stories to yourself, people!

Today we went out to lunch, Jamie ran into someone he knew and we started visiting.  During the conversation he asked if we "just" had one kid.  (I can't tell you how much I hate that question!  He's not JUST one kid, he's our miracle.)  Anyway, our typical response was, "Yes."  Our new response is, "Yes, but we've recently been approved to adopt through Lutheran Social Service's domestic infant adoption program."  We got a nice response, "Oh, my nephews have each adopted domestically and it's been great for them."  (I like those comments.)  Then his tone switched, "It was quite a nightmare at first, one of them was placed with a little girl and her birth mother took her back after nearly 60 days."  Thanks, but no thanks, don't want to hear it.  I remember a friend of mine that adopted told me that the adoption horror stories would begin as soon as we started telling people we were adopting.  For the most part we've gotten great response and positive stories, but we've gotten quite a few doozers, too.  We KNOW the risk, we've read the stories and statistics, but we don't have much of a choice if we want to grow our family.  It's not like we've chosen this path without a lot of research and prayer.  We're certain that the risk will be worth the many, many rewards of growing our family.  And, don't call my kid a "just"! Thanks for letting me rant.... :)