Proofing our Home Study

So, after a nice dinner at my parent's house tonight, we came home and proofed our home study (our social worker sent it to us about two weeks ago and we finally found time to sit down together--it's been a busy two weeks!)  Initially it was fun to read, but it was loooooong.  I think maybe that has something to do with the fact that we talked A LOT during our home study meetings.  Is that a surprise?  Not a bit. 

Anyway, we read, made corrections, read, made corrections.  And, it got kinda old.  Maybe that's because we already knew the story!? 

Mid-way through I mentioned that I "needed" a snack.  Jamie thought wine sounded good.  So, we had wine and cheese.  OK, wine and Cheez-Its and cheese sticks.  I know, classy. 

I had to laugh at our extravagant date night. 

Here we are snacking, wining, reading and correcting....in the toy room of all places:

We got to the part that was really hard to read, even though I lived it and knew the moments in great detail, more detail than I ever want to remember. 

It started with saying we had 3 miscarriages.  I Xed out the 3 and wrote 4.  She forgot about our most recent loss.  I haven't forgotten.

Here's the story that followed:

"The couple's 3rd miscarriage was on January 10, 2011 after their second round of IVF.  Heather was 14 weeks into the pregnancy and she felt great.  They had two ultrasounds and heard the baby's heartbeat.  They were in love with their sweet baby from the very beginning.  Heather announced her pregnancy at work that morning (some friends came over the night before to help make pink and blue cookies--everyone at work announces their pregnancies with pink and blue treats.)  After lunch she noticed a small amount of spotting and by 2:30 p.m. was in the ultrasound room and it as confirmed that their baby no longer had a heartbeat.  Heather was so scared waiting to find out and yelled "NO!" and felt Jamie lay his head on her.  Heather states that she felt stronger knowing he was there with her and told him that they would get through this and that they would have a bigger family someday."

There is more, but this is what started the tears.  It all seems so far away, yet feels so fresh.  The thought of having a baby growing inside of me seems so distant.  But, the grief is still there.

I remember yelling "NO!" so loudly that I am sure everyone in the other rooms could hear me.

I remember hearing Jamie cry and feeling that I needed to be strong to support him.  He's always been my rock and I needed to be there for him.

I remember the look of sorrow and sympathy on the ultrasound tech's face, and her gentle comment that she would give us some time, she left the room.  And, I remember the last photo she printed of our sweet little boy.  I remember feeling so grateful that she knew I wanted a picture, the last thing I would ever have to remind me of him. 

I remember calling work and asking an email to be sent out ASAP to stop the congratulatory emails.  And, I remember calling my mom.  The first thing I said is, "Mom, I want you to know we will be OK, but...."  I didn't want her to worry.  What mom wouldn't?  I wanted to hug her so bad knowing that she, too, was experiencing great loss.  Her cherished grandchild was no longer alive in me. 

Home study.  We got through reading the rest of it and it circled back to our commitment and excitement for adoption.  But, for now, I'm back to mourning our little boy that we won't meet until we go to heaven.

Tomorrow is a new day. 

Home Study Written Up!

We got an email today from our social worker that our home study was written up, so we just needed to read through it, make corrections, and it would be sent in.  I just took a peek at it and I was a little surprised...it's pretty much a 15 page history of our life.  It's actually quite interesting to read (but maybe that's just because it's about OUR life!) She even wrote about how we met, and I appreciate that she commented that it wasn't my general practice to give my phone number to men that I met in bars!  It's going to be fun to read, and I want to enjoy it with Jamie, so I'll hold off until he's around so we can read through it together. I have a feeling it will make us laugh, and cry! 

I can't believe I am saying this, and might take it back if we don't get matched for a long time, but for now I can't believe how fast it's going!  There have been so many positive steps along the way.  Feelings of success, hope, excitement and progress....completely the opposite of our infertility journey.  I'm keeping the hope alive that we'll end up with another precious little addition to our family someday.  Can't wait, but I will!

1st Home Study Meeting

Our 1st home study meeting went great!  We met our social worker at her office in St. Cloud and spent 3 hours visiting with her.  She is wonderful--positive, easy to talk to, and offered us lots of helpful insight.  She is adopted, which is what prompted her to go into the profession.  It was interesting to hear her story, she found out she was adopted when she was about 7. 

She talked to us about the waiting list right away, it's much longer than it's been in a while--17 families are waiting to get into the profile book of 60 families.  The families that we met during our training in April are approved and ready for adoption but, we are about 2 months behind due to our most recent miscarriage.  She recommended doing some outreach, if we are able to be connected to a birth mother without going in the profile book, this could expedite the process and save us $5,000.  But, it will be worth the wait! 

She asked us lots of questions, but the meeting felt much more like a conversation than an interview.  It was actually quite fun and easy, we talked to her about growing up, school, how we met and our favorite topic, Griffin.  She asked some "deep" questions--how do we cope with grief and loss, what types of support systems do we have in place, how do we make decisions when we don't agree, etc. 

The second part of our home study will be at our home, most likely a week from Friday (due to the state shutdown a course she was planning to teach is cancelled).  She needs to see our home to make sure that we have room for another child and that it's safe.  We have another section of questions to answer regarding our family life and it will be helpful to have Griffin involved in that piece.  I can't wait to have her meet him!

We are excited for our next steps...thanks for the support and for joining us on this journey! 

We have a Date!

She called back and, we have a date.  A home study date.  I am so excited!  July 13 at 9:00 a.m.  We'll be meeting with her in St. Cloud, and will have another meeting where she will come to our home.  I really, really needed this now.  With my 35th birthday right around the corner and the due date of the baby we lost in January coming up quickly, a bit of hope is really helpful.  More to come.....

I did it.

I called our social worker. Yep, probably doesn't seem like a big step to just punch 10 numbers on my cell phone, but it was! I left her a message and hope and pray that we can get our home study back on the calendar and begin the adoption process again. I was waiting to call because I knew she wanted us to have some time to cope with our loss. When we last spoke she mentioned getting together in a few months and giving us time to grieve. Those that are reading this know me, and know that progress and hope have been a healing part of this process. A date on the calendar, even if it's two months out would help with the healing. So, lets keep our fingers crossed that I get a return call soon and a date to meet the woman that will change our lives.