It's Time

After our miscarriages I was in no condition, mentally or physically, to get poked and prodded again.  But, now it's time.  We've recently visited with two women that found the answers they needed to have closure, to understand why their babies didn't survive.  Those answers found them through clinics in Chicago.  I've always wanted to know, but just wasn't ready to take the steps.  I'm ready now.  So, over the next several months, we hope to get some answers.  Not to try to have another baby biologically, but for peace.  It's all part of the process for me, so that someday I can sit in the rocking chair and the nursing home and have peace.  (And hopefully lots of great grandchildren visiting me with boxes of chocolate in hand.)

Dealing with PCOS

Some of you may know that I was diagnosed with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome) after my first round of IVF.  I thought my RE (Reproductive Endocinologist) was off his rocker.  I learned from the women in my RESOLVE support group that women with PCOS commonly have major weight gain when going off the pill, struggle with obesity, have acne, male patterned baldness and facial hair.  Not really me.

But, I also had a friend dealing with PCOS that talked to me about insulin resistance a while ago.  She, too, didn't have external symptoms.  (And she has the cutest little baby now!)

My RE showed me some ratios based on my blood work that helped support his diagnosis.  And, when I produced eggs on the low doses of meds he prescribed, I PRODUCED eggs, a crazy amount of eggs, seriously like 25.  Yes, I know, that's crazy!  Most of them died within days.  Lots of poor quality eggs (hard to believe if you have ever met Griffin!). 

After the diagnosis I had an ultrasound of my ovaries near the town I live in (my RE is 2 hours away).  I mentioned to the ultrasound tech that I was diagnosed with PCOS.  She told me I didn't look like I had PCOS.  Then she looked at my ovaries, sure enough, I looked like I had PCOS.

For my second round of IVF I was put on metformin--it's prescribed for pre-diabetic and diabetic people and has been known to help achieve pregnancy.  And, we got pregnant!  Then I miscarried our sweet baby boy at 14 weeks. 

I noticed I felt better on the medication.  Less dizzy.  Less hungry.  I got pregnant again...naturally....except for the metformin that helped control my blood sugar.  But, I miscarried AGAIN (#4). 

Since we aren't trying to get pregnant anymore, I thought I'd go off the pills.  I reduced my dosage and started taking my glucose levels.  They were high, like pre-diabetic high.  Ugh.  I exercise.  I eat pretty healthy.  I'm a decent weight.

So, off to the doctor I went.  I'll be staying on the meds for the long haul--unless I can somehow manage to control my blood sugar better naturally.  He advised me to count my calories and focus on a diabetic diet.  And, he told me to buy a heart rate monitor and work on improving the quality of my workouts.  I'm hoping to lose the 10 pounds that seemed to come along with the IVF medications and never went away.

I got my lab work back today, I'm good as long as I'm on the medication.  So, that's where I'll be.  The 35 year-old-gal doing what I can to avoid full blown diabetes. 

What does blood sugar have to do with getting and staying pregnant?  I think a lot.

Simple doctor's visit not so simple

On 6/22, I had to head back to the doctor for a follow up appointment for our recent miscarriage--this felt like the last step to be able to "move on". (Really, how do you move on from all of this....I think it's more like acceptance and coping, than moving on.)  As I walked in, my OB's nurse told me that he was running behind, so it would be a little wait.  I was grateful to sit down in the empty waiting room, a follow up appointment to a miscarriage isn't exactly where I want to be surrounded by pregnant bellies.  I grabbed a Parents magazine and thought to myself that they should have some reading material that didn't revolve around being pregnant or being a parent.  Just think of all of the women battling infertility sitting next to other women with swollen bellies and another reminder of their struggle sitting on the end tables.   Soon a pregnant woman showed up, then another and another.  My nurse popped her head out of the door to the examine rooms and said, "Heather it's going to be a while, but I don't want you to have to wait out here."  Wow, how thoughtful.  I knew I'd be fine, but it's nice to have a little TLC.  She asked if we were able to start our adoption again, so I gave her the good news that we scheduled our home study.  Again, how thoughtful. 
So, I had my exam, and my doctor left the room.  When he came back, I expected to tell him that I'd see him in the office in a year for my annual appointment.  Closure....I didn't anticipate heading back for a pregnancy appointment anytime soon.  Instead, he walked in the room with a big binder and said that he attended a reproductive conference last week.  (I secretly always hoped something like this would happen...that one of our doctors would find out why we couldn't have more children--other than the obvious things we've been diagnosed with and could remedy.)  He started talking about telomere shortening and showed me PowerPoint slides.  To sum it up in simple terms, it's premature aging of your eggs.  He spoke with another doctor that has worked with us and they agree that this could be the reason for our miscarriages, it's possible that my eggs carry short telomeres, which leads to poor embryo health.  What he said makes sense.  I produced about 25 eggs each time we did IVF (for those of you that don't know--that's A LOT).  Five days later, when it was time to transfer, I had 2 left one time and 3 left another time.  Obviously not good odds.  But, they weren't sure if it was a male or female factor issue.  He went on to say that this is in the research stage and that at this point there doesn't seem to be anything we could do about it.  He commented that one company sells a protein that they claim helps, but it's a small fortune and my doctor thinks they are simply out to make money.  So, maybe this is the case.  But, maybe not.
I was caught off guard and thought of a ton of questions after I left.  I couldn't get in touch with Jamie, and started to cry on the way home.  I thought about the great husband and father he was, and it made me feel so much guilt and pain that my body may be preventing him from having the joy of more children.  I gt home and filled Jamie in and, of course, he calmed me down.  He said that even if he knew that I could never have children, he would have married me anyway.  And, that we will have more children someday, and, I believe him.
I spent some time googling telomere shortening and got some articles from other women in my online infertility support group.   I have lots more questions for my doctors, and am not sure when I will be ready to ask them.  And, I know I should see if I can get tested for this--I was able to find a lab in Texas that tested telomere length.  At the same time I don't want to find out I am aging prematurely.  As a mom with so much to look forward to, that scares me. 
So, the simple doctor's visit wasn't so simple.